nemesism // spencer reid angst

i wanna be yours

 Spencer woke with a gasp, his heart pounding fast and hard, like a monsoon. Which seemed fitting, considering the trail of heavy tears he felt flowing down his cheeks. Spencer sat up in bed, shaky hands reaching up to wipe at his face. He was surprised to see that Derek was still fast asleep beside him. Usually his nightmares would cause him to thrash around, but he must have awoken before it reached that point. Despite his best effort, Spencer couldn't steady his breathing. Tremors traveled down his limbs, goosebumps leaving a trail in their path.

Images from the dream kept flashing behind Spencer's clenched-shut eyelids. He couldn't make them stop, couldn't make himself calm down. He needed a way to make it go away, to wash it from his memory and gently soften his stiff muscles. He needed relief. He needed... what did he need?

Spencer's brain threw two options at him at once; find a sharp object, or, wake Derek up. His automatic reaction was to crawl out of bed and lock himself in the bathroom, and he barely managed to stop himself from doing just that. His body was conditioned to such a routine - wake up from a nightmare, go to the bathroom, cut, calm down. But now, Spencer knew he had another option. He just had to be willing to make the first step and wake Derek up.

Before he could lose his nerve, Spencer reached over and shook Derek's shoulder softly. When he didn't move, Spencer shook again, harder this time, and called out to him.

"Derek?" He croaked, his voice raspy from the hyperventilation. "Derek."

"Hm? What?" Spencer watched as Derek turned and grumbled, words groggy and confused. It wasn't until Derek saw Spencer that he fully woke up. "Hey, hey, what's wrong, Spencer?"

"I had a-" Spencer inhaled sharply, trying to slow his breathing so he could speak. As Derek's arms wrapped around his shaking frame, Spencer relaxed slightly. "Nightmare. I had a nightmare."

"Oh, pretty boy, I'm so so-" Derek began to talk, but Spencer cut him off. If he was going to do this, he needed to speak now before he chickened out.

"I want to cut myself." Spencer choked on the words as they came out. It took everything inside of him not to escape to somewhere else and hide from this vulnerability. Instead, Spencer started to sob. He buried his face in Derek's chest and hugged him tightly, holding on to Derek like a lifeline.

"Hey, hey, you're okay. Let it out, I'm right here." Derek ran his hands through Spencer's hair, scratching his scalp lightly. Spencer sat and let Derek hold him as sobs continued to wrack his body. "I'm so proud of you, you know? Waking me up was such a huge step towards getting better."

"I saw the crime scene. But it wasn't Will lying on the floor, it was me." Spencer sniffled. "I was so little when I did all of that, when I tried to kill myself. I was only a kid. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair." He let out another gut-wrenching sob.

"Oh, Spencer." Derek sighed, unsure of what to say.

"The 'me' on the ground was child me. I walked up to him and watched as he opened his eyes. But they weren't the eyes of a living being. They had a vacant look in them, like they had been dead for a long time." Spencer hiccuped and shifted himself so his chin rested on Derek's shoulder.

"Was that all that you saw?" Spencer heard the raw pain in Derek's voice.

"No." Spencer took a shaky breath before continuing to recount his nightmare. "He spoke to me. He looked me straight in the eyes and I got this horrible feeling, like something was extremely wrong. He didn't even move, and his - well, my - voice wasn't what it sounded like when I was a child. It was heavier, more mature. Darker. He said, 'You left me here to die. You failed me. You are reaping what you have sown.', and then I woke up."