nemesism // spencer reid angst

it's all so incredibly loud

By the time the fighting was over, Spencer was humiliated, Derek was bruised and scratched, and Hotch's eyes were glossy with moisture. Spencer had all but collapsed into Derek. He was too tired to bother screaming anymore, too tired to even glare at the men around him. He just sat - collapsed and weak - in Derek's arms. Spencer couldn't believe that he had come completely undone in front of them. He couldn't help it, but it was awful nonetheless.

Somehow, this experience was worse than everything else. More than the breakdown he had with Derek, the one he had with Hotch, being caught in the act of self-harm, and all of the times he had been caught with his scars out. Spencer had lost complete control. The only reason he had a general idea of what had happened was from the physical marks Derek had, his exhaustion, and - worst of all - Hotch being near tears.

Spencer was feeling his emotions so strongly that he felt like he was being ripped in half. That was when he felt himself slipping. His vision unfocused as he stared at the floor below him.

"Morgan, he's gone. I can see it in his eyes." Hotch took a deep breath in, the air catching in his throat.

"Dissociated?" Derek questioned.

"Yes. Either that or a shutdown. Maybe even both."

"Oh. Should I bring him to the couch? He's been in bed most of the day, so the change of scenery may be nice." Derek proposed, earning a small grunt of approval from Hotch.

Spencer didn't move at all as Derek lifted him and carried him to the couch slowly. He was too out of sorts to feel embarrassed about being carried like a baby. Derek carefully set him down on the couch and he tilted to the left and leaned on the armrest. Spencer's eyes remained fixed on a spot in front of him, every part of his body stuck in a fetal position.

"What do we do, Hotch?" Derek sighed, moving to sit beside Spencer. Hotch took a seat in the chair he had sat in upon his original arrival.

"We help him." Hotch leaned forward slightly as he spoke, clasping his hands together, knuckles white from tension. "It won't be easy, but we have to get him away from engaging in self-harm, break the habit. We just need to be persistent and present."

"Hotch, I don't know," Derek's voice cracked, "I don't know how to handle seeing him like this. He's hurting so badly and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I mean, he almost killed himself while I was in the other room, Hotch! I don't think I could handle finding him- finding him..." Derek's voice trailed off as he brought his shaky hands up to rub at his temple.

"I know, I know. It's going to be harder than anything we've ever done. And that's saying a lot, considering the things we do at work every day." Hotch sighed again and ran a hand over his face. "This will require almost constant supervision. We have to treat him like he would be if we brought him to a psychiatric facility. He's going to hate it and will probably fight us on it, but this alternative is better than having him hospitalized."

"I can stay with him. I'll be here, no questions asked," Derek assured. "Should we try to get help from outside resources? It's possible someone on the team might have prior experience. Maybe JJ?" Spencer twitched slightly, face scrunching at the suggestion of someone else being involved. Somehow, he managed to feel self-conscious even while his brain wasn't entirely working.

"I'm not sure if that is a good idea. For now, let's just move forward with supervision. We should probably get him a therapist as well, starting out with visits twice a week." Hotch responded.

"If you can take care of finding the therapist, I can focus on researching prevention methods for self-injury so I can do my best to help him." Derek suggested, hands running up and down his thighs.