Personal notes to anons who may never see them

0.

This one isn't for anyone specific, unless you feel like listening.

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My heart hurts. There's sadness in there, but there's also anger and resentment. There's the urge to be alone fighting with the fear of abandonment. There's my home life, and my shitty job. I'm just heavy. I feel heavy. My panic attacks are coming back, I feel like a burden on everyone, like I can't support myself. I can't do it on my own anymore. Is this what the world has come to for me? The inability of my mind to think for itself? Do I want to suffer alone or do I want to make someone suffer with me? I could do it alone, right?

I'm trying hard, really hard, harder than I thought I could try. Every day feels like a struggle and I'm breaking down over things that never got to me before. I know what changed, but there's nothing I can do. There's nothing that's gonna undo what's been done. I have to live with it now.

I'm constantly on edge. Im constantly tired. No matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired. I'm having panic attacks again, I had 3 today. One was so bad my whole body tingled and my chest hurt. My heartbeat is still irregular.

I don't want things to be this way. I don't want to be sad, angry, scared. I want to be happy. I want to feel good. But the harder I try to be okay the harder I fall. The harder I fail.

I can't help the ones closer to me because I can't even help myself. I feel so pathetic. I feel like I'll never be good enough, like I'll always get second place. Always the weird one, always out of place, always second. Always last.

What do I do when I feel like this? How do I make it stop? Does it ever get better? Am I stuck like this? Is it even worth it? Who knows. I just want to be hugged and genuinely told I'm doing okay. I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me their proud of me. Tell me that it's worth it.

I'm tired. I'm shutting down. I don't know how to stop it.

I'm sorry, I'm trying.