photographs - a.t

scary

vada

i find myself in my backyard, laying in a floaty, reading. i don't really know why, i guess it's because i have all this extra free time. i've been catching up on my books, been outside more, and starting to learn how to at least throw a decent salad together.

it's been 5 days. i've been ignoring him.

i have to get my feelings sorted out because, the amount of times he's called, texted even, i still cant bring myself to open his contact. i want to, i really do, but i just.. cant.

i have my sunglasses on and i'm reading my book. i sway my feet in the water for a little bit.

my moms gone for a trip and i'm taking this time to appreciate myself, and in order to do that, i have to block everyone else out, until i cant.

i hear my phone buzzing all the way from my chair. i decide to lift my glasses up just to look in the direction, but then instantly regret it when i do. because there's a face, attached to a body, sitting in that chair.

ashtrays face.

my heart plummets to the ground.

"vada."

he's now moving to the edge of the deck, letting his feet dangle in the water.

"ash." i hesitate.

"you've been ignoring me." he says more like a statement than a question.

"that's debatable." i reply.

and i don't know if mother nature is on my side today or not, but now my floaty is in arms length to him, and he pulls me in.

"why?"

"can we talk about this inside? i feel a little exposed here." i say, realizing that i'm just in a bathing suit. he nods and let's go. i get to the shallow end, get out, and put on my knitted coverup. i grab my book, and phone, and head inside. he's following behind me.

i walk into the kitchen, take my glasses off, and offer him a glass of water, he declines, so we make the way to my bedroom. the only comfortable place i really have in my house. i open my door and sit on the side of my bed.

he close the door and pulls my vanity chair up and starts talking to me.

"i don't understand what's going on." he starts, "one minutes were okay, the next were not, and it's fucking with my head." he openly admits. i want to tell him that i feel the same way. but i don't.

"you're supposed to be by my side, and lately, you haven't." he's starting to look panicked. i didn't know it would affect him this much.

"ive grown so fucking dependent on you vada. and you pulling this shit, truly messed with me. and i know i shouldn't have this sort of attachment to you, but somehow i do. and i'm admitting it right here. now. and i don't know if i can stop." his chest starts to rise up.

"i just don't know how-" i cut him off by placing one of my hands on his chest. his heart is beating fast. but he manages to regulate his breathing.

i then pull my hand away. he gets up and sits directly next to be, debating on whether or not be should continue with his speech.

but he does.

"i just don't know how to stop loving you, and its fucking scary."

he's searching in my eyes like he's looking for an answer, but i
really don't have one.

"i-i don't know what to say." i stutter. unintentionally, i bring my hand up to his face. his sweet face. and somehow knew deep down, that he meant what he said. and that was enough for me to break.

i pull him in until his lips crash onto mine. his hands found both sides of neck pulling me closer until he can't anymore. he leans me down until he's on top of me. he's kissing the shape of my lips, all the way to my jawline, then bringing it back up.

he pulls away and looks into my eyes like he's never seen them before. like there's a new fire burning in them, and he's longing to feel it.

"vada,"

"i would like for you to be with me, like romantically."

and i surprise myself.

and say yes.

a/n
been a few months. but i'm back.