My husband

The first night

I was nervous. I mean who wouldn't be right? 

It was our first night together and I hadn't had sex in like... Forever. 

Sure I had waxed and everything. Sure I was dolled up but still. What if he didn't like some part of my body? What if he found my thighs too... Big? What if he found my breasts small? I mean he has slept with so many different women. There definitely would be so many women who looked better than me that he had been with. What if he preferred someone else? 

Or worse... 

What if I didn't like the sex? 

Wait... Were we going to have sex? 

Well. It was a tradition to have sex on the first night. Everyone had it... It would be weird not to. And I think he was looking forward to it too. 

But I was silently freaking out as I sat on the decorated bed. 

Rose petals were all around me. Candles lit all around the room and a sweet scent took over my nose. There were garlands all over the room and I had seen a few condoms on one side of the sidetable next to the bed. Even the water jar was decorated and I'm damn sure I know who had done all that... 

Of course, my stupid best friend. Suha. Who else could even think of all this? 
I'm pretty sure she expects me to decorate her martial room better now. Ugh... 

I was going off track. It was my wedding night. Not a time to think about her wedding and her wedding night and... 

Wait. 

No, wait. 

This was a good tactic. I could distract myself by thinking all about their wedding planning. It was after all happening in 6 months. And well... Suha had been mentioning something about having a destination wedding. That would be a good idea because otherwise all our wedding halls and venues would overlap and that wouldn't look good. 

Hmm... So. Where could she have her wedding? 

Well, I know for a fact that she hates Rajasthan so, no Udaipur, although it's very in for destination weddings right now. Where else? Out of India? No. That would cost too much... 

Hmmm... 

I had just thought of the most perfect place when the door opened and just for you to know, I lost all senses the moment I saw him walking in through my ghunghat. 

It was a blurred sight and all I could see was red because that's what my ghunghat's color was as I kept remembering what my mausi had told me before I got married. 
" Don't open your ghunghat before he comes in. Let him open it and then... It'll all just happen," she had giggled in a very shy way and I knew what she had meant to say but... I was too nervous to do anything at all. 

My heart was beating in my chest. No, wait. Let me get it right. My heart was beating my chest... It hurt that much as I lost sense of what was happening and a weird fear gripped my heart. I didn't know what the fear was about but as I felt him slowly sit next to me on the bed. All I knew was that I could not move at that moment. 

So, I didn't move. Didn't move when he sighed deeply and kept staring at me. All I did was stare at him in fear through my ghunghat. 

And I did not fucking move when I saw his hands get closer to my ghunghat. I wanted to flinch but, couldn't do that. Instead, I just held my lehenga tightly as I closed my eyes and let him take my ghunghat off my head. 

" Aren't you hot?"
" Huh?" I expected him to just climb on me and force a kiss after he had taken the ghunghat off but I was stunned to see him touching my earrings instead 
" All this jewelry and that lehenga... Aren't you tired and hot in it?" he... He was absolutely right but I was just so shocked at that moment that he didn't try anything that I couldn't help but stutter 
" Ye-yeah?"
" Are you scared?" he looked worried after he heard my answer so I immediately covered up. 
" No!" Of course, I didn't want him to know that I was scared! 
" Then why did you stutter?" I kept one of my hands on my necklace and looked away for a moment as I answered him 
" No reason," I gulped, hoping that he would buy my lie but apparently he didn't because he just kept staring at me for the longest time with a big frown on his head 

And then he... He moved his hand to hold my other hand... That was still clutching onto my lehenga!
" Listen. Pari. I'm not going to do anything you don't want," he said in the most serious tone and I just stared at him for the longest time without saying anything. 

" Pari? What happened? Can you say something?"
" We're not having sex then?" I blinked. God knows what the fuck I was thinking to say that but I fucking said it and it was so weird. Because he just stared at me in shock for a moment 
" Unless you want to-"
" NO!" I immediately shouted. What the fuck was I thinking?! Why did I have to shout? He looked so taken aback and I immediately felt miserable after saying it
" I mean... We should get to know each other better before..." I somehow tried to cover it up but I did a very sloppy job. 
" Do you not want to have...?"
" Nothing like that!" he definitely thought that I wasn't interested in having sex with him at all. Wait. He wasn't thinking that I got into this marriage by force and that I don't want anything to do with him. Right? Oh no. But his face was telling me that exactly... 

I had to do something to stop him from thinking like that. 

" You know what? Fuck it. Let's have sex," I got on my knees and turned around to face him with determination in my mind and he just looked so much more taken aback. 
" No wait," I could see that he wanted to do it. But he still kept a hand in front of himself and kept me back from forcefully kissing him, " You just said that you wanted to wait till we got to know each other better,"
" Yeah," I sighed and sulked. Why was he making sense and I was not? " But-"
" No. Let's wait..." he held my hand, " and get to know each other better... I want to do that," 

All I could do was smile at him after that... 

I hope he would keep understanding and compromising for me like he just did even in the future...