TV

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TW: suicide, depression, and intrusive thoughts

A/n: I'm apologizing for this in advance because it's a lot and I'm so sorry if you've ever felt like this because it's not fun. Unlike my other stories this one doesn't have a happy ending because not all stories can...
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Today has been a hell of a day. Not only have I made arguably the worst decision of my life, but I've also been thrown into a depressive episode. Wether that's because of my decision or my brain just being in a 'silly goofy' mood, has yet to be determined. So here I am, subjecting myself to a hot ass shower in hopes of turning my attention to my hot skin.

What's the point of anything?

Allowing my mind to run rampant and tell me everything I already know. My friends want nothing to do with me when I'm like this. Maybe they do but I would never burden them with it because again, what's the point? It'll be over and I'll be fine and then it'll come back and we'll just do the same thing over and over.

All of my friends are missing again.

My back makes soft skid noises as I slide down the side of the shower to rest on the floor. I'm so tired, I just wanna sleep. Thoughts of being unwanted and unloved flooding my mind while tears flood my eyes. What a pair. My brain just keeps pushing, it never stops. Triggering me over and over until I can't feel anything anymore.

Don't know where you are right now.

My girlfriend is on some important business trip since last week. Every time she leaves I feel like this but I can usually control it. This time is really bad and I don't know what to do. I can't even go to her because she's upset with me. "Did you see me on tv?" She asked me excitedly, and I could've just hid it. I should've sucked it up but I just couldn't fucking hold it.

"No Billie, I don't watch tv" I had said, harsher than I intended. She sighed and I knew I'd fucked up. She probably had a great day and wanted to tell me all about it and I ruined it. Maybe she had a shit day and came to me to feel better and I ruined it. Either way it's my fault and I mean, of course it is.

I'll try not to starve myself
Just because you're mad at me.

I tried to ignore it and act like everything was fine but it's so clearly not. I haven't eaten in days and every time I tried I just felt like throwing up. Why do I have to be like this? I've been in the shower so long it's gone cold. My skin tingling at the new sensations as the streams of water prickle at my wrinkled skin.

Maybe I could just stay here. Just never move I mean at some point my body will just give up right? What about the water bill, idiot. You'll be dead and then it's just another thing she'll have to worry about. I drag myself up by the little handle and turn off the water. Getting out, being careful to drip as little water as possible onto the rugs. I dry myself and wrap the towel around my body.

Staring at the scale as I pass it, there's no point in doing it to myself. I feel bad enough as it is. I go into the bedroom and make sure I'm dry enough before crawling into a blanket. I wrap it around myself protectively and play some music from my phone as background noise. I set it under my head and close my eyes as it softly murmurs in my ear.

Maybe I'm the problem...

The pills I took earlier finally kicking in, I sigh and shift so I'm laying on my side. I open my eyes for a brief moment to catch a glimpse of the setting sun. A little smile finding it's way to my lips as I think of how beautiful Billie's hair looks in the sun. Her blonde strands shining like the finest of gold.

I pick my phone up one more time to text her and tell her I'm sorry for everything. I know she's busy at this time and I don't expect her response. I put the phone back in it's place as a tear rolls down my cheek. My body feeling heavy as I sink into the bed.

I'll be in denial for at least a little while
What about the plans we made?

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