𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐨𝐧

chapter thirty-eight

The night felt unending. It also felt like a reminder of the previous night. It would be wrong to say that Charlie was the only one to act moody. Truth be told, all of us were. Charlie just expressed his feelings outwardly. I stared at the entrance to the cave, a black longing to reach out into it... pull Charlie out of there. He needed his time to explore the moon-lit trees, shaping memories, and silent losses. He needed time to feel for himself instead of pushing all his emotions to the sidelines. We all needed to heal.

Rhonda looked to me, frowning. "He'll come around." She promised, reaching for my hand and squeezing it. I was mad at Charlie and I hated myself for it. I wished he just acted like his previous self, but somewhere within me believed that was gone. It was gone forever. He would never be the same again, would he? "Y/n," Rhonda's voice took me out of my thoughts. I looked up to her, a thought of revival. "He will."

I responded with a shrug, placing blame on my anger. "Okay..." That was all I said. The other boys waited for Charlie's arrival in agony. They talked amongst each other but I couldn't interpret a word they were saying. I wasn't even focused on that. 

I could feel the void open up beneath me---a trembling mess of emotions all tangled up within each other. Violent colors of blue and pink exploded underneath me, and I could only feel their sighs of unease. A blanket of dust surrounded me, making me fear for the worst. Though everyone encircled me, I felt alone. I couldn't breathe, or think, or see. My senses were corrupted by this gravitational pull of fear. It was almost earthshattering, but my senses were gone. I could float and I was numb. It almost felt... refreshing. 

"Wake up, doll." I felt my body shaking, a short forceful movement that came in waves. "Hey, wake up." I slowly opened my eyes, feeling the dried streams of what once were tears running like a phantom waterfall on my face. I saw Charlie, and that's all I saw. He looked frightened, his brow contorting into a physical resemblance of apprehension. I reached out for his face, my small hand running against his cheekbone. I tried to speak, but no words formed. He smiled softly, but that inevitable fear stuck within him. I could still see it in his glossy eyes. Red shining with a brim of golden dust. He loved me with every ounce of his body and soul. I could reach out and touch it. The warmth of its fiery blaze struck me. Calloused and bruised, yet strong and made of glass. My mind was groggy, my eyelids were heavy, but I was freezing cold. "C'mon." I felt his arms underneath my legs and back. Soon, I was hefted into the air. "Put your arms around me." I did as I was told, my arms gently resting around his neck. My head leaning against his shoulder. Then, I fell back into the world I was just previously in. Shapeshifting colors and brilliant lights. I wanted to stay there forever.

I eventually woke up staring at the roof of Rhonda's car. My head was propped up in the lap of Charlie, and I glanced to him. His hands were tangling my hair, my body finally warmed up from the car's heater. Sitting up, Charlie put an arm around me. "Y/n," His voice sounded surprised. Even Rhonda looked at me through the rear-view mirror. "How are you feeling, doll?" 

"What happened?" I gently rubbed my eyes, feeling a sharp zap of pain through my brain. I hissed, closing my eyes quickly. 

Charlie didn't respond. Instead, watched me with that same look I saw earlier. Rhonda noticed, and decided to speak for him. "Exhaustion, sweetheart." I didn't understand and I guess that translated into my body language, because she decided to go in depth. "Emotionally and physically exhausted. Stress. You just..." She sighed, not knowing how to word what she was going to say. "You just passed out, sweetheart. Don't worry. You're okay."

I could feel Charlie grow stiff. "I'm sorry." He said, fixing the hair out of my eyes. "I'm sorry I -"

"I don't think you caused it." I giggled, trying to make him feel better. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect. 

"Yes I did." He replied, his smile completely gone and replaced with an urgent look of frustration. "I left the cave. I stressed you out. I shouldn't have -"

"Stop blaming yourself, Charlie." Rhonda interrupted, eyeing Charlie. "You need to work on your emotional shit without causing a scene. These guys are you friends, goddammit, and you act like they're your worst enemies!" I knew Rhonda was only trying to do good by scolding him, but I couldn't help but be offended. 

I had to say something. "Hey! Stop it!" I watched her hands on the steering wheel tense up. Her knuckles turned white from gripping it, forcing all her bitterness into the object. 

Charlie placed his hand onto my back, trying to comfort me. "No, Y/n. She's right. I have to work on that." He wasn't angry, he wasn't even sad. He just sounded tired. I sunk deeper into the backseat, Charlie moving his arm from behind me. "I love you." He said, his voice stinging me with a thousand lifeless needles. They pricked me, making me feel warmer on the inside. 

I uttered a response. "I love you, too." My breath becoming frozen in midair. Every night had to end in disaster. Every single night. Charlie wasn't the root cause, but things were better when he wasn't around. With that came consequences---feeling like a piece of me was missing. I would take this tragic love than nothing at all. He was like oxygen. I needed him desperately.

---

The night ended slow and painful. I laid with Charlie in my bed, his breath full and rhythmic but I knew he wasn't sleeping. Neither was I. His eyes were closed, but he twitched and shuddered. I placed my hand on his face, feeling the tempo of his soul. His eyes flickered open and we could barely see each other in the dim light. I opened my mouth to speak, but it took me a moment to find the words. "It's not your fault."

I watched as he looked down to my lips, than back to my gaze. His was soft, fascinating, calculating. His voice soothed me as I laid my head a bit closer to his. "I know." I felt his soft lips touch the top of my forehead. "Go to sleep, doll. You need it." He leaned his forehead against mine, looking me in the eyes. I couldn't look away from his hypnotizing look. He kissed me again, this time on my lips. He softly pulled away, but I desperately wanted him back. I pulled him in by his shirt. I felt the soft rumble of a laugh against my lips. He pulled away again, laying his head back on the pillow. He softly shook his head, giving a tsk sound with the tip of his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Always chasing after me."

I groaned at his words, forcing my face into the pillow. He laughed, this time a bit louder. I quickly sat up, putting my hands over his mouth. "Shut up!" I whispered, giggling a bit myself. "They're gonna hear you." I let go as he quieted down, but that playful smile still struck me with awe. 

He was laughing, a much quieter laugh. "Go to sleep." He repeated, grabbing me by the waist. He laid down, pulling me on top of him. "Sleep my darling, sleep." I squealed, and shut my mouth before anyone could here. Eventually I rolled out of his grasp, laying besides him again. The bed shifted, and he was now propped up on one elbow, staring at me. 

"I would sleep if you would let me." I finally replied, blowing air out of my lower lip, making my hair blow out of my face. "You don't seem to want me to."

He raised an eyebrow, holding back a laugh. I looked away, not wanting to laugh myself. After all, his were so contagious. "Uh huh..."

"Uh huh!" I said a little too loud. I went quiet, listening to hear if that woke my parents up. After a few seconds, I resumed. "Mother fucker..."I rolled over to my other side, ignoring whatever stupid face Charlie was going to make next. He drove me absolutely mad with love. 

I felt his warm hands wrap around my torso, pulling me closer to him. His head peered over my shoulder, kissing my cheek. "Uh huh." He said in a whisper, laying his head back down with a thump on the pillow. 

I smiled, knowing that he was already feeling a bit better from tonight. We would have to go back to college soon. We weren't going to be able to sleep in the same bed anymore. I had gotten so used to him. His warmth, his quiet snores, his body to cuddle up to... we wouldn't have that. 

"Good night, mi amor." I heard him say although it was almost inaudible.

"Good night." I had a feeling that the previous Charlie that I fell head over heels in love with was still in there somewhere. In little echoes of his silent past. His real self wrapped up in heavy armor and logical calculations. Somewhere underneath all that nonsense was Charlie Dalton. I saw a bit of that tonight, and I wanted him to tear all of that nonsense to shreds. I missed him.