(in)correct apex legends

★ 4

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Valkyrie : What's a word that's a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Ballistic : Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Octane : Smad.

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Mirage : *on the phone* Hey Ajay, do you know my blood type?
Lifeline : Yeah, it's B-
Mirage : Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!

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Horizon : You bought a taco?
Fuse : Yes.
Horizon : From the same truck that hit Octane?!
Fuse, with a mouthful of taco : Well, me starving ain't gonna help them.

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Valkyrie : I think we should have glow stick juice injected in our bones when we're born, so if we break our bones, we get a fun little surprise.
Wattson : What's the surprise?
Caustic : Blood poisoning.

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Vantage : I'm not that stupid!
Bangalore : Van, you literally ate the wax from a babybel.
Vantage : SEER TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!

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Newcastle : *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.
Mirage : Hot dog costumes!
Newcastle : I'm sorry, what?
Mirage : You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Fuse, goes mad with hunger, we'll put these on. Fuse hates hot dogs, so they probably won't eat us.
Newcastle : Are you saying that Fuse would rather eat us than hot dogs?
Fuse : I do hate hot dogs.

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Pathfinder : Today, I saw a dog at the drive-thru.
Vantage : Why was there a dog at the drive-thru??
Bloodhound : Because it can't fucking drive, Vantage.

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Wraith : You're giving me a sticker?
Wattson : Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying "me-wow!"
Wraith : I'm not a preschooler.
Wattson : Fine, I'll take it back-
Wraith : I earned this, back off!

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Wraith : Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?
Rampart : *crouches down*
Mirage : *kneels down*
Newcastle : *sits on the floor*
Wraith :
Wraith : I hate all of you.

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Catalyst : Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??
Wattson : Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔
Lifeline : Why were you microwaving a lemon???
Wattson : I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.
Seer : Did you burn an orange too? How???
Wattson : Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

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Ballistic : What's the announcement, Newcastle?
Newcastle : It's a lecture. Mirage's gonna tell us everything they know about sex.
Bangalore : It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

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Gibraltar : What do we think of Mirage?
*pause*
Loba : *sighs* Nice pal.
Vantage : I think they're gay.

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Fuse : Are you a painting?
Bloodhound : What?
Fuse : Because I want to pin you to a wall.
Wattson : OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG THEM OR SOMETHING-

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Wattson : Hi, who's this? Octane changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures.
Wraith : What's mine?
Wattson : Dwarf.
Wraith : THEY'RE SO MEAN, I'M NOT THAT SHORT!
Wattson : Oh, hey Wraith.
Wraith : FUCK!

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Valkyrie, texting : Answer your phone
Crypto, texting back : Wait a minute, I can't find my phone
Valkyrie: Understood
Valkyrie, 5 minutes later : You're a terrible person. You know you're killing me. You're killing me, Crypto.

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Lifeline : Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail.
Octane : No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station.

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Mirage : New year, new me.
Vantage : But it's August.
Mirage : Time is an illusion.

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Catalyst : Why are Wattson and Wraith sitting with their backs to each other?
Horizon : They had a fight.
Catalyst : Then why are they holding hands?
Horizon : They get sad when they fight.

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Bangalore : What's up with Bloodhound? They've been laying on the floor for like....an hour now?
Lifeline : They're just a little overwhelmed.
Bangalore : Why?
Lifeline : Fuse smiled at them.

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Ballistic, reading the newspaper : Huh. Did you know Nickelodeon opened a hotel?
Caustic : Yeah, I went there once. There was a dead squirrel in the pool and I made Wattson cry by telling them it was the real Sandy.

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word count : 661