(in)correct apex legends

★ 9

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Wattson : We are gathered here today because someone- *glares at Mirage's coffin* -couldn't stay alive!

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Loba : BE A BETTER PERSON!
Valkyrie : WHY?!
Loba : BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

(shh i know kill code happened 🤫)

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Conduit : But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!
Conduit , earlier : I'm going to throw myself into the sea.

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Octane : I have a plan.
Seer : I have the hospital and Lifeline on speed dial.

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Pathfinder : Hello friends!
The Squad :
Pathfinder : You might be wondering why I'm taped to the ceiling

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Newcastle : So we're gonna read what we wrote down so we can tell everyone in the class something about ourselves.
Octane : Okay, my name is Octavio but you can refer to me as Lord Farquad.
Newcastle : Okay that's not happening- how about you!
Conduit : I'm Conduit and I like the movie White Chicks!
Newcastle : ...Okay... whatever, I respect that.
Crypto : My name is Crypto and I hate this place, it actually sucks here...
Newcastle : Okay... and you...
Wattson : *nervous* Uhhh my name is Natalie and my favorite color is... math.

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Syndicate : State your name, rank, and intention.
Pathfinder : Pathfinder, Pathfinder, fun.

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Catalyst : Which movie are you and Seer going to see tonight?
Rampart : Oh, I always go to whichever movie Obi wants.
Catalyst : Which one do they want to see?
Rampart : I haven't decided yet.

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Newcastle : Who's in charge here?
Fuse, shrugging : Usually whoever yells the loudest.

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Revenant : I prevented a murder today.
Lifeline : Really? That's amazing! How did you do that?
Revenant : Self-control.

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Gibraltar : So, Elliott is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?
Valkyrie : I say they slipped through the subway grate and is having terrible sex with the mole man.
Horizon : I don't know about that...I think either their alarm clock didn't go off, or they're in line at the bank.
Rampart : Take this more seriously! Witt was clearly taken in their sleep!
Wattson : I bet they tucked themselves into the bed too tightly and got stuck.
Octane : Maybe they fell into another dimension where they're more interesting...?
*Mirage arrives*
Mirage : Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.
Horizon, clapping their hands in excitement : HOT DAMN!

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Conduit : Everyone has a toxic trait. Except Natalie, they're perfect.
Wattson : Wrong! My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a raccoon.

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Lifeline : That's it, you're grounded! Valkyrie, no flying for you! Revenant, no killing for you! Loba, no stealing for you! And Mad Maggie... oh my god, is there anything that you love?
Mad Maggie : Revenge.
Lifeline : No vengeance for you.
Mad Maggie : I was going to say "I'll get you for this," but I guess that's off the table.

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Rampart : I wish I could help you, but I shorn't.
Mirage : Ramya, please!
Rampart : What part of shorn't don't you understand?

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Wattson : Why would you think any of this was a good idea?
Ash : Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Wattson :
Ash : I don't know how you keep forgetting this.

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Horizon : What do we say when making bread?
Fuse, glumly : That's the dough rising.
Horizon : And what do we NOT say?
Fuse, sadly : That's the yeast fucking.

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Mirage, dramatically: They called me a fool.
Wraith, sick of Mirage's shit : They weren't wrong.

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Valkyrie : That was a joke. Say ha.
Revenant : Ha.
Valkyrie : Now do it again.
Revenant : Ha.
Valkyrie : Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party.

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Conduit : Go on, give Fuse a compliment.
Mirage : How do you expect me to do that?
Conduit : Just say something that you wish someone would say to you.
Mirage : Uhh... You are now unbanned from Free Ham Sandwich Day!
Fuse, sobbing : Nobody's ever said that to me before!

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Lifeline : Are you really planning to shoot the demon?
Crypto : Don't worry, it's a holy gun.
Lifeline : How so?
Crypto : It makes holes.

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652 word count.