I Love You More Than Anything

Chapter 5

Tori's POV

I wake up in a spare duvet, Wondering where I am, then I remember I slept over at Michael's House. Thats all I really remember, I don't really remember anything else that happened. Did I come out to my parents??.. The thoughts continue, even when someone comes in, I don't look up at them to see because i already know who it is, Obviously its Michael. His mum never really goes into his room.
"Tori?" I recognize his morning voice. I mumble something, thats weird, I usually form actually words but in this instance, I feel so lazy, so numb, so.. different.
He goes to sit beside me and i gather the energy to go and turn around and look up at him, still curled into myself.
"Are you okay? You've been asleep for a long time and its already 3." I haven't realized the time, shit... I sit up, still looking at him.
"I.." I wanna say im not but i still get the feeling that he would lash out on me for being selfish so, i go with the norm. "I'm fine, really. I was fine last night, I am fine now, I'll be fine later."
He looks concerned but decides its the best not to intervene with my mental health. Sometimes, I get the feeling that he's kinda like me, but with his anger.
I get up, I'm still in the clothes that i was in yesterday.
"Do you want some food?" Michael asks. I nod.
We head downstairs and I sit in the bar by the kitchen. He fixes us some microwave food and while he does, I keep getting this feeling of numbness flood my mind and clear my thoughts out like a hurricane. Now It's nothing. A familiar void feeling floods me with a welcoming wave. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
"Tori..??" I jump, Michael is sitting beside me on the bar, I realise I was thinking about everything for a full 5 minutes straight and my microwave food is already getting cold.
"Are you okay?" He asks, the Spoon in his hand by the bowl that rests in front of him, reflects the kitchen. The cabinets, The roll of paper towels, The rack of plates, and a faucet that has water still dripping from the tap.
I try and form eye contact with him but it fails because it seems like I wanna cry. "I'm okay, Michael, Seriously." I whisper, My voice not even close to an actual vocal sound.
He sighs "Are you sure?" I swear at this point, I literally wanna cry and cry and keep crying until I am out of any possible tears.
I nod. But, I know I'm not okay, I wanna scream, I wanna sob, I wanna curl into myself until I fall asleep and never wake up again. Weirdly, This feeling just... feels familiar. I honestly never had a major depressive episode after Solitaire ended and Me and Michael started to experience labels. Yeah, I've cried and been sad but that doesn't mean i wasn't depressed or something. Something about the past few weeks have been... weird, every single day of December, I felt like some sort of black hole was sucking every single saturation out of me and making me seem like a worser version of my self. Today, I started to notice how the stuff that was going on wasn't... no... It cant be.. I'll be fine by tomorrow. This is normal.
I turn to my food and look at the spoon that I'm holding in my right hand. I have no motivation to put the spoon in the food and lift it up to my mouth to eat, but my parents already have a child with an eating disorder and not eating will put more rocks on their shoulders so, I start forcing myself to eat with the all the pent-up energy i still have roaming inside of me.
When we finish, Michael decides it's better for me to stay at his house until my parents come and get me. This is dumb. They would never in a million years, need me any more, they kicked me out and this is the out come. I might as well fucking stay here until I die. Me and Michael, Michael and Me. Just little too bugs in this world, trying to find the purpose for life by crawling up and up until they get stepped on by death itself.
I walk up back to his room and slither into my duvet. Then I cry, and cry, and cry until I feel as if I wanna just sleep but I don't. I think of someone hugging me while I lie in my thoughts. Maybe that someone gets me, Maybe they're like Michael, Maybe they are Michael.

Michael's POV

Tori has been very distant lately, over the days, she started to seem less and less happy and more of a robot. Not that I want to say that this is negative, I'm just saying it's concerning how she probably doesn't realise she's probably slipping into a depressive episode again. She might have fun and be cheerful during her depressive episodes like the last episode i witnessed during the Solitaire part of our relationship but for the majority of it, she's moveless. She's stuck in some sort of obstacle and I have no idea how to help her. I feel hope but also hopeless that I can ever help her out of this deep state.
I grab my keys and head out the door, the sun is setting and I get to my car on the road. I drive to the store and get some ingredients so I could bake some things like maybe cupcakes or that chocolate cake we made during Solitaires rise. I really don't wanna talk about Solitaire anyway. I pay the cashier and head back out with the ingredients.
I put the baking ingredients in the front seat and drive back. The sky is a dark blue and the moon rises. Stars burn and Constellations shift. When I get home, I put the shopping bags on the counter of the kitchen and put them into the fridge. I head up to my room to find Tori awake, staring at the roof in her spare bed. "Tori?" She jumps.
"Michael.. Hi.." She turns slowly. The ruffling of the duvet by my bed can be heard. She sits up and looks at me. "What is it?"
I head over to her and sit by her duvet. "Tori.. Try to sleep, alright?" I cup one of her hands into mine.
"I... I can't..." She shivers. She looks like she's about to cry.
"Do you want to hangout in my bed for a little and, maybe I can get some diet lemonade for you?" Obviously she doesn't have to do this. I really don't mind.
She nods. I know if she says another word she'll burst out and start sobbing.
I head down stairs and go over to the kitchen to get her some diet lemonade. I have a lot of cans of diet lemonade. My parents know why but Tori doesn't know that I do; but the reason why is because Tori comes over to my house a lot and she loves diet lemonade so, I got myself some cans for her. Some might say I'm a simp but if I'm being truthful here, I just really.. really, care about her and I just really adore her. Not just for how beautiful she looks but also because she has this personality that I love. That I appreciate. She makes me feel something I've never felt before. Its corny to say but, its true. Words can't describe how much I love her if I'm being honest. She's just a person who's trying her best but, she's trying so much, so much, and thats enough for me.

Tori's POV

I lay in my duvet and wait for Michael to come back with my diet lemonade. While I wait, There's nothing to entertain me, and if I even wanted to get my phone, It would take me hours to move and get the phone and scroll on tumblr. So I just lay there, carelessly, unable to move. I hear Michael stepping in and returning with my diet lemonade and putting it on his bedside table so I can drink from.
"Is there anything else you'd like?" He asks
"No. but if my parents call, could you pick it up for me?"
"Yeah... Yeah, of course."
He sounded disappointed. I feel like I'm overthinking too much. Gosh. Michael sits by me and waits for me to start up a conversation. But I say nothing so he talks first.
"Do you.. Are you.." He breathes in and thinks of something to say. "Wanna scroll on tumblr with my computer?"
I nod and he brings his laptop over to my duvet. As I wobbly sit up with all the motivation I currently have, he opens up tumblr and scrolls on his "for you". I yawn as I lazily read what he has on tumblr, He pauses at a meme and starts laughing, I chuckle and then start laughing out loud. I feel a little funny right now but I don't care.
My phone rings, It's my mum. I look at Michael and he nods as he goes to stand up and pick up the call.
"Hello?" He says.
I feel like my mum would be surprised that my boyfriend would pick up but what do I know. I hear my mum talking to him through the speaker of the phone, he nods and says some yes's, some no's, some... talking and explaining. He seems so lively. He seems so human. His chest slowly moving. His hands shaking a little. His eyes darting across the room. His glasses reflecting the little light coming from my phone. I stop noticing every little detail about him when he ends the call with a bye.
"You're mum wants you back tomorrow. She's too tired right now so she just wants you back by tomorrow. Is that.. alright?" He says. He is concerned about me..
"Yeah... Yeah it'll be alright." I smile at him. He moves back to my place with the laptop shining its blue light. "Do you wanna continue scrolling on tumblr?"
"..Okay"
      We continue to scroll on tumblr until we need to go to bed. As soon as it turns 23:12, He kisses my temple and tells me he needs to get to bed. So he moves into his bed and turns his back on me to sleep. I feel tired too. I go to lay down in my duvet and get to bed. Today wasn't that bad, but It definitely wasn't the best.