I Love You More Than Anything

Tori's Journal

TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTION OF SUICIDE AND SELF HARM, PLEASE CONTINUE WITH CAUTION, I LOVE YOU  GUYS! <3

Day 1

Im here at the ward. They gave me long sleeves so no one can see my scars (which can potentially trigger someone, which I understand). My therapist gave me a journal and told me to write my feelings and stuff in it so it's kinda like a thing i choose to do everyday. I don't like it but if it helps me get out the ward, so be it. I mean today was okay? I woke up early because they had to draw my blood and check my vitals. Which is boring enough. Im sort of afraid of needles so the nurses told me to look away until they were done. It took like 30-40 seconds for the blood draw and 1 minute for the vital checking, which gave me a weird feeling in my arm. I honestly did not like the first day.

I felt like i couldn't talk and There was some patient screaming and punching the walls, in which we had to go to the back of the room to ignore, I clearly couldn't. It triggered me a lot. I don't like it here. The food is okay, it just depends on what it is. We have snacks a few hours after, which is kinda weird. One of the patients pushed me today, which made me feel horrible. I couldn't talk today but I used Non-Verbal communication anyway. I feel worried for Charlie and my mum. Even Michael. I feel worried for them. The cost of the ward, the blaming on them, and everything else. I still get to visit them in the cafeteria but I just feel so bad that they have to carry this on their shoulders. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Tori's POV

I shake, quivering as Im in my room. My roommate is reading. Im silently crying and they haven't noticed which is alright. I don't expect them to care. This is my first time crying since a few months ago, excluding the part where i told my mum about me being asexual. It's crazy to think that was 4 days ago. I put my arms onto my knees and put my head down, letting the tears go down my cheeks and onto the bed. I hear shuffling from the other bed. They come over and sit down by me, or they probably left and switched for another person.

"You okay?" They ask, I put my head up and they look at me, clearly concerned. I sniffle, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Im just worried about my family and my.. boyfriend." I sigh. My nose all stuffy. They frown, Reaching to hug me but before. "Do you wanna hug?" They say, I shake my head so they put their arms away. "Look, I've been in and out the hospital, I know that your first time at a new one, or your first time ever being at a psych ward is scary. Usually thats what happens on the first day. But hey, Most of us relate to you and understand. Its gonna be okay." I nod my head as they hold their hand out, clearly wanting to shake hands. I shake hands with them and they say their name

"I go by Mattea." She chuckles and I say my name "My names Tori, My actual name is Victoria but I clearly don't like that name." She smiles at me. "Nice to meet you Tori. I tell you, tomorrow will be better. I promise." She holds out a pinky and i link it with mine. Its pretty childish but this girl is very sweet. "How old are you?" They say when we release from the pinky promise. "Im,, 17." They smile, "Oh, thats close to 18! Im 12. If you mind, will you tell me why you're here?"

"I overdosed on an anti-depressant." I sigh

"Hey, I'm sorry you couldn't find another way out of the pain you feel, Is it okay if I tell you why i'm here?"

"Sure."

"Im here because I tried to hang myself with a shoe-tie, most of us do that if we don't have anything else that could help." She shakes her head. "But I'm happy that you survived, Tori." They smile at me. I smile back. "Well, they wont let us get close to others because 'they say so.' But, I'll talk to you later." They get up and go back to their bed. I lay in my bed, clearly not tired. My brain is a whole warehouse party, thinking about my relatives and what a disgrace I am for even failing at what I attempted to do. I sigh, turning around and looking at the wall I'm facing at. I close my eyes and try to go to sleep. Today was shitty but I hope tomorrow is way better.

(AO3 IS DOWN SO I'LL RELEASE THIS CHAPTER SOON AFTER THE DDOS IS GONE!!)