When Devils Smile

Thirteen

"Falling off the deep end" I chant to myself over and over again, staring at my ceiling as I try to fall back to sleep.

It's been a few days since I told the others that my 'dad' is back in contact with me, ever since then I've been having nightmares of the past. Of him and everything he put us through, I turn around in my bed, resting my forehead against my arms on my pillow.

I've slept about 5 hours and it's nearly 6am.

Emmet has told me to delete my dad's email, I tried but my finger couldn't seem to just press 'delete'. Val tried to steal my laptop many times to delete it himself but Skylar always stole it back, telling him that I should be the one to do it.

I sigh, hitting my head on my arms, trying to get myself to fall asleep. The last couple days I haven't been getting to sleep until about 2am and it never lasts long, always waking up a couple hours later. It's torture really but it is what is it.

My eyes slowly drift off minutes later and all I can hear in my head is; "falling off the deep end."

*****

Currently I'm sat at a cafe with Issy opposite me, she wanted to have a chat about something and I had nothing better to do. And at least she wants to hear me out, normal people would be running through the hills after what I did.

I know that Devon told her that we didn't actually do anything and that I made it all up just to hurt them.

I yawn as Issy finally speaks up, "you should have said we weren't together," I snort at that. It was obvious was it not, I didn't ask her out did I?

"I'm sorry, I should have made that clear" I bullshit and she clearly eats it up, I don't feel bad- but I think she's too naive. The world is going to eat her alive and never say sorry, it's not fair for people like that. I was once like her before my father screwed it all up, by screwing us all up.

I look to her innocent eyes and I defleat, which is a first for me. "I'm sorry Issy, that was pretty shitty of me. And I'm sorry for trying to come between you and your brother" she looks taken back for a second which I understand. Before she nods once and nurses her steaming hot drink.

I'm surprised that Devon didn't cave in and tell her that I was originally using her in the beginning to get to him and Val. And how later on using her to kill time, why didn't he tell her that? Throw me under the bus (even more) I would have, maybe he didn't to not hurt her even more.

"So you don't like me?" Issy questions, a quiet edge to her tone that has me biting my cheek.

"As friends? Yeah, maybe. If you want to be my friend. I don't do relationships- well anyway, clearly I screw them up" I add, for a hint of sympathy which she gives me instantly as I see her eyes soften.

"What about Devon then?" She questions and I raise a brow, "do you like Devon?" I'm taken back by that, do I like Devon? Of course I don't. What about anything I have done shows that I might be interested in him, besides he probably hates me... even though he forgave me, but he forgave me a little to quick, maybe it wasn't genuine. Issy raises a brow and I snap out of it.

"No, I don't know... no" she sighs at that and I sit up straight, " I don't da-"

"Date, yeah I know" I sigh at that and fiddle with a napkin, thinking that I am a massive dick. "You can't use excuses your whole life to be a shitty person Levi" she says softly but urngently like she wants- needs me to know.