Let the fear you have fall away

3.

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During the lunch the day after the kiss, Regulus was half-ashamed, and half-excited to present himself in front of James. He was tipsy; that was his excuse. But to be fair, it could have been a lot more worse. James could have pushed him overboard, or something similar. Or told everyone about their kiss, telling his parents, telling Cassiopeia, telling everyone how disgusted he was. Something a gentleman in this society would definitely have said, especially gentlemen from his family and the Malfoy's.

But instead, he kissed Regulus back. And Regulus' only regret was that he had stopped.

Regulus had felt so many feelings after that kiss, it was hard to put it into words.

First, came the realization. He had kissed James; another man, from the working class, and who was absolutely not the person he was destined to marry, and propose to, in a few weeks. He was the complete opposite of Cassiopeia.

Then came the fear, the shock. The shock of what he had just done, and the fear of James rejecting him suddenly, and changing his mind completely about Regulus. He had feared James' rejection so much, he almost cried. Regulus never cried. It was probably also amplified because of the alcohol, but the fear he had felt was horrible. Regulus never wanted to feel it ever again, for nothing in the world.

And finally, the rush of adrenaline, and excitement he felt. He had kissed James Fleamont Potter. The man he fancied since the first week of the trip. It was like a goal reached somehow, even if it wasn't the kind of goals people around him wanted him to be proud about. And James' mouth was so obscene and so good. He dreamt about it that night, and he would never repeat that to anyone.

So when James put a plate in front of him, it had been hard for Regulus not to blush too hard. His cold and heartless cover was crumbling down, much to his despair, and he knew James was the cause. Yet he didn't care, if he was being too sensitive in front of James. He just hoped no one around would notice.

And no one noticed. People were so far to guess what was happening in Regulus' head, it was almost scaring. His parents had never been so far to know him. They kept giving him approval looks when he talked with Cassiopeia, as if his discussions with her meant anything — compared to James'. It brought a lot of anxiety to Regulus. Because his parents were starting to have high expectations; and Regulus' were decreasing with time instead, at the same time.

Yet his parents approval somehow made him feel good. He never really got it before. Even if he knew it was shallow, he twistedly enjoyed it still. If the only time they would be proud of him were those times, as they were expecting him to propose to the perfect lady they could have find for him, he was to enjoy it, while it lasted. Because soon, he would deceive them.

The more time was passing, the less he imagined himself marrying Cassiopeia, despite all her efforts, despite all her willingness, and her care. She deserved better than him, Regulus knew it. She was a kind lady; and the more he talked to her, the more he knew he wished the best for her. He just knew it wasn't with him she was going to find it.

Of course, he wouldn't tell his parents about James. James was destined to stay in this train. Maybe Regulus would visit Fleamont' Palace someday. He wouldn't tell his parents about him, because he wanted to stay alive, and he knew what his parents were able to do to protect the family image. He wanted James to stay alive too. He wouldn't tell them about James, but he would refuse to ask Cassiopeia's hand. And after that, he would live his life, to the best of his ability. Because he knew his parents wouldn't let him live that down. But Regulus would stand up again.

He just had to find the right moment to tell them. But days were passing, and he never found the strength to do it. He was always pushing the moment away, staying in denial, and pretending it didn't exist.