WHEN YOU FINISH SAVING THE WORLD ✸ Joel Miller

xxiv. The Things We Don't Say

[ CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR ! ]
the things we don't say
















I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD JUST BEEN PUNCHED in the gut and as though my lungs  are collapsing. My head is spiraling as I turn around, and I'm unable to face Tommy, or anyone in the eye right now. 

All the air has been knocked out of my body yet I feel so unconscious that I feel solely made up of air. Like every bone and muscle in my body has been ripped out. 

"Rhea," Joel's thick voice has turned soft and faint and I can just barely make the sound of his boots against the ground behind me. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I blink and Joel's brown eyes are at level with mine. I flinch at his touch and all I can now feel is the shiver going down my spine along with his hand weighing me back down onto Earth and into reality. His brows are furrowed together and for the first time in a while, I can see his eyes soften. I'm so used to seeing his brown eyes dark like black coffee that when they're the color of milk chocolate it takes me by surprise. This is also the first time I've actually been able to look into his eyes in 20 years. 

He's looking at me with so much sympathy I'm not quite sure how to feel. 

"I'll... show the kids to the house you guys can stay at." The woman next to Tommy says, reminding me of the scenario I'm in. I draw my eyes from Joel's and the image of my sister rotting somewhere and I suddenly feel sick. 

I turn away, jogging to the most private area I can find, but I don't quite make it. I fall to my knees and hurl over myself, vomiting into the white snow.  

I feel Joel's gloved hand graze my back once more and it reminds me of the mornings I'd run to the bathroom to throw up from morning sickness when I was pregnant with Jeremy and Joel would hold my hair back and run circles down my spine with his thumb. 

Memories consume me and I feel like I might be sick again. If I had looked for Hazel after the outbreak if I had reached out to her somehow... I could have helped. I could have prevented this. I could have been there for her on her dying day. The burning sensation of vomit makes it's way back up my throat and joins the pile in the snow. 

I can feel dozens of eyes on me and they swallow me whole and I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life. 

"It's not your fault, Rhea." Joel's hard voice remains soft and it's almost like he can read my mind. 

I turn my head just enough to look back at him. His lips remain in a frown and his eyes have almost returned back to their usual dark state. 

I don't say anything, and neither does he.

We just let our eyes speak words neither of us could say.  

a/n

short chapter but i just missed my babies