Tangled Emotions

Own Healing

I don't ask for help. Asking for help scares me. I have a feeling that whenever I ask for help, they will be secretly talking behind my back and laughing at my misery. That is why I am in charge of my own healing. I do things to alleviate the pain. Like painting. I paint on my hands, sometimes on my legs, so I can hide it from people who think painting is bad. It's excruciatingly painful. However, the pain itself is soothing and relieving. It not only relieves me but also creates a masterpiece. A masterpiece made from my pain and sorrow. I do a lot of things, but this is typically what I do when I'm in charge of my own healing.

The reason
Whenever my mental health is messed up, I really don't have anyone to listen to or talk to. I was always the one who always listened and talked to them, so whenever I'm in deep shit, no one really helps me because I was their therapist friend after all. And if there's someone, I feel like their actions were just forced, or they would just say things that would only comfort "them" and not me. They always make it about themselves and would just sometimes make it worse. They just made me feel invalidated. That's why I stopped talking. So whenever my mental health is messed up, I really don't have anyone to listen to or talk to. I was always the one who always listened and talked to them, so whenever I'm in deep trouble, no one really helps me because I was their therapist friend after all. And if there's someone, I feel like their actions were just forced, or they would just say things that would only comfort "them" and not me. They always make it about themselves and would just sometimes make it worse. They just made me feel invalidated. That's why I stopped talking. I just tried to solve it on my own, but I couldn't withstand everything and would always try to relieve things. At first, I tried solving it by trying countless hobbies. I tried painting, reading, crocheting, and anything that came to mind. Well, it did help me, but as time went on, it never felt right for me. One day, I accidentally cut myself. I usually feel pain after it, but that time, I didn't feel any pain; I felt comfort. A comfort that I've been longing for. I didn't really want to do it because I've always been scared. I don't like having any wounds in my body because it always makes me feel more insecure. But it was the only thing that was keeping me sane. That's where countless masterpieces were produced.