Ranticism

The Good Damage

The Good Damage

Inspired by the Bojack Horseman episode: Good Damage

"Because if I don't, that means that all the damage I got isn't good damage, it's just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it, and all those years I was miserable was for nothing." - Diane Nguyen

We are all damaged at one point in our lives. We all experienced something that broke us, scarred us, scared us, traumatized us to the point that we are not who we were before that. Although it is not okay, it can be said that it is part of our lives now—- or rather, it is part of life itself, that life is not life without such. Such narrative would be okay to accept, as it can be treated as something that is 'normal'.

But it is not when we are too much in depth to it that we are hurting our own self. So much so that we try to justify that such damage is 'good'... that the said damage is necessary in one's life.

I am not an exception in this part. I too have tried to justify that my damage is 'good damage'. As Diane has said in her quote, I was miserable when I was damaged. I was not me as I was before—- i became a completely new person after that damage. And people called me out for it (for those who did not know) and being a little child, I thought my change was something bad and so I tried to change back—- revert myself back to the old me.

As for those who knew, they praised me with a backhanded compliment. Things such as 'You've changed, you were strong. If only you were strong before this, this would not happen at all." or "Change is good, but don't you think that change is too drastic?". Those were the things they said to me and by then I was torn between two perspectives. And even then, both perspectives were overflowing with cons instead of pros.

I was lost.

Then came my coping mechanism. I tried to justify to myself that the damage done to me was good damage. That it was needed for me to change, for my character growth, for me to be different. I tried to justify inside my mind that the damage was the reason why I was so 'strong' today, that I am now an achiever, that I am now trying things outside of my comfort zone. I tried to justify that "Hey, it's okay to be damaged if it resulted into something good." and damn did I believe that.

That style of coping mechanism was so good and so effective that I thought I was no longer shackled by that damage, that I was no longer in the dark but traversing my way into the light once again. I was even comparing myself to that 'kintsugi' that Mr. PeanutButter had said to Diane: the use of gold to repair the cracks of a ware and it makes it more beautiful. I almost believed that I am that strong and beautiful human because I was able to justify that the damage done to me was a 'good damage'. It was almost okay... until I experienced a trigger.

It was just one second and all of a sudden, all of the damage resurfaced, rendering me unstable and frozen. My brain flipped a switch called 'survival mode' on and all of a sudden I was a whole new different person once again. I am entirely something else. Turns out, I was never healed... the 'good damage' coping mechanism never healed anything, it just repressed all of it into a small mass that was pushed back inside my brain so that I would not think about it. Who knew that even a tiny second of something would trigger it to explode like a bomb.

As if it was a land mine that was just waiting to be triggered. And when it happened, everything came crashing down upon me and I couldn't do anything but to feel it. Then I began walking on eggshells, walking with the anxiety that is growing day by day. And the regret of ever believing in the 'good damage' coping mechanism was ever effective at all. Because it was not.

There was nothing good in that damage, it was just... damage. There is no need to look for merit inside of it because it has no merit at all. It is just plain damage. And it needs to be treated. Something that we often ignore and push down to the back of our minds, to never think about it again.

I did not need damage to be strong, or to change, or to basically get out of that comfort zone. Damage is not needed for the sought of character development. Because a person is capable of such things even without damage. I was already strong even without that damage, I was already an achiever even without that damage, I was already trying things out of my comfort zone without that damage. There was no need for the damage to happen.

I was just unlucky to ever experience such damage.

I was already beautiful even without the cracks and the gold.

There was no need for me to justify that there is a good in the damage. There was no need for me to find good in that damage. What I needed was for that damage to heal, and my coping mechanism is not the right solution for that.

Now I'm back to square one. But at least I am aware now, that I am enough even without the damage. At least now I am aware that there is no need for me to cling into that damage. At least now I can embrace my damage with peace of mind.

The damage may be part of me, but it does not mean that it is me.