leather - negan x reader

chapter forty three - breathe

2 weeks later...

i can finally talk, i can finally move. and all i want is to kill that motherfucker.

i still had bruises and stitches but i could beat the shit out of gregory now.

"is he alive?" i ask jax.

"sadly, yes," he answers.

"it needs to stay that way. i'm killing him," i respond, staring at the wall. "and the whole kill negan thing, we still sure about that?"

"he's helped us out a lot. he's the reason we even found you. three weeks ago, yes, he needed to die. we couldn't trust him. but now i don't know. why would he help us if he didn't care?"

"i don't know. maybe he just wants us to think that," chibs says.

i hadn't told them about him sitting here with me every night. we hadn't spoken but he stayed there for me the whole time. i don't want to kill him. i don't think i can.

"i dont think i can kill him," i mumble out. "because i love him."

"you can't let that control your decision and you know that," tig says from the corner of the room. it was the first time he'd spoken to me.

"he helped save me. maybe rob was right. maybe i'm not made for this."

"i don't want to hear that shit kid. you just got tortured for a week for us, we heard everything that happened. your radio was on and we heard you take a beating for us over and over. you would have rather died out there than risked us coming to get you. fuck no, you're perfect for this job. just because you fell in love does not change that."

"and now look at me. i couldn't even fight back. i'm nothing but weak, i let the council come before the club. i should have killed gregory and i didnt."

"you kept us all from being killed," jax says. "gregory is going to die now, so don't let that shit stop you. speaking of him, we've got to go feed that sorry piece of shit. we'll be back later," jax says, the three men leave.

before the door shuts, negan catches it, "so, you're in love with me?"

"how much did you hear?"

"all i needed to. you're in love with me? you don't just fucking love me, you're in love with me?"

"maybe. doesn't matter now, i heard what you said the gregory and i don't blame you for wanting out. i was supposed to kill you."

"i told gregory what i needed to to get him to trust me. if you wanted me dead you would have done it long before sleeping with me."

"have you really changed? or do you have a plan for you to come out on top?" i chuckle, "like you would tell me."

"you've changed me so much. i don't think you even see it, because you expect it from me. you expect me to be nice to your mom. you expect me to not punch your brother when he makes a smart remark."

"i expect the basics out of you. i didn't know you before, i didn't know how you treated your girlfriends' mothers, so when you respected my mother i didn't think differently of it. because that is what you're supposed to do."

"point is, you expected a better man out of me, and i haven't been that. sure i've been nice to your family, but i should have never ran out on you. i thought this was just another hookup in the beginning, but if i'm being honest i'm wrapped around your finger. and that scares the shit out of me. i don't want to lose you. i don't want to hurt you. so i run, which is doing both of those things. i'm still an asshole. i'm still not worthy of you. i don't think i ever will be."

"i don't expect anything out of you. sure i want you to not be an asshole sometimes, but i also love that about you. maybe i'm sadistic, but i secretly love the way you behave sometimes. what i don't love is having to worry you don't see me as your partner. that you don't see me as the one you want to be with. sometimes it feels like im nothing to you, negan. i don't need you to be worthy of me, i need you to be there for me. i need to not have to worry about other women. i need to not have to worry you're undermining everyone and everything around me. i don't even know if you want this."

"want what?"

"me. the council. a partnership. all of it."

"of fucking course i do. you think i did all this shit to fucking kill all of you? i need the community. we all need each other. and as for you, when you were gone i couldn't sleep. i couldn't breathe. the second i saw you, it took all i had to not run to you. to not bash that fuckers head in. and my god, you women and your possessiveness, i haven't slept with my wives in months. y'know none of them ever slept in my bed. sure i fucked 'em, but you are the first woman i've slept in a bed with since my wife." he pauses, pacing, "i can't blame you though, i put you through hell. but i will never hurt you again, i promise. i'd do anything for you, don't you see that?"

"you cheated more than once. if this happened to my friend i'd drag her away from you. i trust you with my life, but i don't know if i trust you with my heart. you're just going to have to accept that for now."

"fine," he huffs, making his way to a chair. "what does that mean?"

"i love you, but i dont know if i can trust you. i want to be with you, but it's hard to not worry about that."

"i'm so sorry, god i'm so sorry."

"i know," i say, "can you just come lay here with me."

"of fucking course," he says, quickly laying beside me as i snuggle into his chest. we lay there looking at each other for a bit, negan's eyes fall to my neck, the bruise still a prominent ring around my neck. "i'm gonna kill that son of a bitch."

"no you're not," i pause, "i am."