The boy you like has dark hair, brown eyes, and a nice smile. His voice is deep and melodic. The sound of it sends chills racing down your spine.
Your heart always skips a beat when you hear his voice in the hallway outside your classroom and know that he is about to walk inside.
You hear his voice in the hallway now and toss open a book on your desk, pretending to be busy.
Pretending that you don't notice him as he strides into the room and slides into the chair next to yours.
His cologne is light and subtle. You enjoy smelling it. It's soothing somehow.
"Good morning, Jake." You murmur an incoherent greeting, silently chiding yourself but Jake smiles at you anyway.
You look up at him from the corner of your eyelashes. His eyes are kind and playful, his smile genuine.
You return your stare to your book. It's stupid really. Your mind isn't bothering to process the words on the page.
Yet, you continue staring at the page while the words blur together due to the lack of attention you're actually paying to them.
The trouble is that you can't make eye contact with the boy next to you. You can't make eye contact overly well with anyone really.
That's part of the reason your teacher placed you in the seat beside him.
Jake's personality is so laid back and accepting that your teachers tend to assign any students who are picked on or bullied to the seat next to him.
He's nice to everyone. He is known for never having said anything unkind to or about anyone.
Few other students at your school have been bullied as much as you have. You're shy to a ridiculous degree. Ridiculous in the sense that you're often ridiculed for your shyness... which of course makes the shyness worse. Such a vicious cycle.
What you experience is much deeper than introversion. You have trouble speaking even when you're directly spoken to.
You walk around staring at your shoes to avoid accidentally making eye contact with someone else.
You haven't made any friends at school since one would actually need to have some sort of conversation for a friendship to develop.
You're easy to pick on because your behavior is, quite frankly, very odd. What makes you an even easier target is that everyone knows you'll never tell anyone what someone says or does to you.
You have become so lost in your thoughts and focused on the boy next to you that it takes a while for you to realize the room has become silent.
You glance up to find that the entire class is staring at you, including the teacher. Your mind blanks as heat suffuses your cheeks.
"Miss Lee?" The teacher asks.
Role call. She is taking attendance. You need to say that you're present, but the words are lodged in your throat.
The more they stare at you with bewildered expressions, the harder it is to speak.
"She's present." All of the attention shifts to Jake as he leans back in his chair and nods toward you.
The teacher opens her mouth as if she might object, but she closes it again and marks in her book.
"Fine, I'll accept that. Mr. Sim, I suppose I will go ahead and mark you present as well since you have spoken for Miss Lee."
Jake shrugs, and the class erupts with laughter. Your shoulders relax now that all of the attention is officially off of you.
Your gaze slides toward Jake surreptitiously again. You wish you could tell him you're grateful.
You wish you could tell him that school has become tolerable, even enjoyable since your teacher placed you next to him.
Even though you never talk to him, you consider him your friend. From the way he treats you and happily carries on one-sided conversations with you, you wonder whether he considers you his friend, too.
The other students haven't picked on you as much since you found yourself seated next to him at the beginning of the year.
He is rather popular among some of the students although his status doesn't seem to have gone to his head.
He is in a band, and occasionally in the theater. Everything he does, he does quite well. He has friends from each of his extracurricular activities and from each of his classes.
His sense of humor and ready smile make him quite affable and well-liked.
He has defended you in the past. You have overheard other students calling you odd or weird. Sometimes they have said much worse.
He was nearby during one such occasion. Instead of ignoring what was being said as you tried to, he stepped in and asked them to stop talking about you like you weren't standing there.
Sometimes you wish you weren't just someone he felt compelled to defend. You wish you could tell him how handsome and kind you find him.
You wish you could tell him what a blessing he is to you. You wish you could tell him that you love him.
You will never tell him any of these things. After you graduate, you will probably never even see him again.
He will never know how you feel about him. He will never feel the same way toward you because you cannot give him that chance.
You can't speak to him. You can't interact normally with him.
Jake notices that you're watching him, and he winks at you while flashing his gorgeous smile.
A silent "you're welcome" for saving you when you couldn't speak. Your heart melts. Then it aches and it breaks.
You wish you could behave normally with him. You wish that he could love you the way that you love him.
You return your gaze to your book and continue pretending to read.
Continue pretending that everything is fine in your silent, broken world.
