Vent

March 10, 2023

I'm losing faith in this relationship, I don't know what to believe anymore, everybody keeps thinking it's funny to mess with my mind, manipulate me, twist their/other's words and confuse me. It's all getting overwhelming, the arguments, the loudness, the world in general, this is why I just shut it out instead of listening to it. I know I said I would let anyone vent to me but that's even starting to get overwhelming, I worry about Axeria and I's relationship almost every day now based on the things people keep telling me.. Majority of the time I think half of my friends don't care, I already know my family doesn't give 2 shits about my opinion or anything, they think I'm perfectly fine, when in reality I'm torn the fuck up.

I want to take a break from relationships but I just can't.. I need someone to be around, someone to cling to, someone that will keep me distracted from everything. When I love someone, I look past their red flags because I know I don't have the fucking guts to do anything about it, they all say they will help me, they all say they are there for me, but how are they there for me if they leave as soon as 1 thing happens? I mean cool, if you need a break just tell me, not avoid me. Seeing her happy around other people besides me is starting to hurt me. Yesterday she admitted that she knows she's "hurting me", she wanted me to take a break, I know I said I would be able to tell whether someone was manipulating me but now I don't think I can tell.

I'm too deep in this relationship, too in love to even see the truth.. I hate myself for it. Why can't I just see her for who she is? Why can't I just see the truth?. The real fucking truth. I'm so blinded by love that I can't do anything, I'm just stuck.

Fucking stuck. And that place..? Fucking my old school? The truth about that hell of a fucking school is that I really don't want to go back, I love it here and I don't know what I'm gonna do once I go back.. I barely have anything/anyone to go back to. I'd rather stay here where I have a better reputation and where I have a fresh start.

Fresh starts are always the best, especially for someone who was in the same district for 6 (going on 7) years. I'm gonna be upset going back, but I have no choice. I may miss my best friend and the people there, but I'm just not ready for the drama over there. Over here there's not as much drama, I mean sure there's fights and shit but it's much better over here. I used to like over there at my old school but now I just.. don't.