Vent

July 6, 2023

Holy fuck it's been a while since I was on here... I've been talking to my friends for advice instead. Well, I'm finally rid of Axeria's shit and I don't know how I feel about it. It feels like freedom but I was replaced literally the next day by someone she hasn't even known for a month yet. In 2 days it would've been 8 months of us being together (that's without counting the break we took from each other in March.)

I find it crazy because of how fast I was replaced and how fast I'm already being pressured into another relationship that I'm not sure I even want. It's insane how fast I've changed within 10 months. I don't even recognize myself anymore, let alone know who I am. I'm so numb anymore that when I relapsed I had a straight face the entire damn time, I didn't even fucking care. I don't know who I am, what I am, or if I should even be here.

Lately I've been so tempted to drown myself in the bathtub but no instead I relapse. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm confused about my own feelings, confused about what I want and what I don't want, it's all driving me insane.. Then she goes and puts the fucking Zero guy in her status 24/7 and I was barely in her status when we were together and here I am still not knowing what to do with myself. I've never cried so much over one person besides my dead relatives. On June 30th, the day I got back from my little break from Discord I opened it and immediately saw the breakup message.

The grief didn't settle in until later in the day. I had to hold in my tears because I had plans that day and I finally broke down at probably 11:22pm. I cried for 40+ minutes in the bathroom just scrolling through our memories and dms.. I still need to sort all of my screenshots and delete some but all I know is our friendship will never be the same. Me and her had been through so much it's impossible to return to the bond we had.

This is why I think we shouldn't even be friends still at this point. I feel like she's purposely making me jealous. Just because I wouldn't get intimate with her over text? Or I was "too innocent" for her? You know, fuck that shit because it's simply too awkward to be doing that shit over text in my opinion, plus she never has me in the proper mood to do anything. When I do try to do anything or take something further she's always like; "I don't want to ruin your innocence".

Bitch I don't give a shit what happens to my mind. It's been ruined already by trauma, character.ai, my friends, my family, my depression, there's nothing else you can do to make my mind worse than it already is, what's the worst that's going to happen? Me backing out? Sure sometimes I backed out but that was because the situation was awkward for me. She brought out the best and the worst in me in multiple different ways.

I had so much shit planned for the 2 of us and now it won't happen. Sometimes I wish I never met here but then where would I be today? "Everything happens for a reason" tell me, what the fuck was the point in that?! I'm literally losing my fucking shit. You claim that you threw up from crying so much, when I honestly don't believe your bullshit.

If that were true you wouldn't have made the decision you made. Go fuck yourself.