So Keep In Happiness And Torture Me

My Stomach's Tied In Knots

"I've been thinking," Jack said, startling out of my train of thoughts.  My heartbeat began to increase and I looked at him with expectation.  Was this it?  Was he going to end our relationship?  I was actually hoping he was about to do what I couldn't bear to.

"Yeah?" I tried come across interested and concerned but not eager, pausing with my toast to meet his eyes.

"I thought it would be cool if our bands collabarated," he suggested.  Not exactly what I'd been expecting.  I didn't want to seem surprised, but the awkward silence that had passed between us earlier was hanging in the air again.  He looked up and fiddled with his hair in the way I used to find so appealing but only gets on my nerves now.

"Yeah, that sounds a great idea!" I grinned; "think you're heavy enough for us?"

"What do you think you are, a metal band?"

"More metal than you anyday," I winked.  "But in all seriousness, I think that could work pretty well for our new album."  I wonder if I looked as unenthusiastic as I felt?  Writing songs with the boys was the only thing that got me away from Jack these days and I'd come to relish them, so him tagging along filled me with dread.  But then again, I knew it was in the band's best interests and we all got on well with Alex, Zach and Rian.

"I'm glad you think so.  Any objection to us all heading to your studio today then?  I've mentioned the idea to the others already and we have nothing else planned for today."

"Erm, it should be.  I'll call Jesse."  I left the table and made my way through to the hall away from him, sighing.  Secretly I'd hoped to do another song with Vic or the rest of Pierce The Veil - it was the making of King For A Day that had really brought us together and it had proved one of our biggest hits so far.  It clearly wasn't to be though: All Time Low were another big band with a similar fanbase and the fans were always after something new and different.  I had no excuse to protest

"Woke me up Kell," came the groggy reply.

"Sorry dude, it's a good job I did though! We're meeting at eleven, remember?"

"I would still have gotten ready in time, doesn't take me two hours to get ready, unlike some."

"You're talking about Justin clearly."

"You tell yourself that! Anyway, any motive behind this call other than to disturb my beauty sleep?"

"Um, yeah.  Jack was just saying that it might be an idea for our bands to do a song together."

"I thought we already had this album planned out with no collabs?"

"Yeah, me too.  But we've only got eleven tracks planned out, all his guys are up for it and I thought it could work well.  What do you reckon?"  Please say no, please say no, I prayed.

"Oh. Well I guess there's no harm in us doing a touch of writing together and seeing what arises from it."  My heart sank. 

"Oh cool.  Can they come over to the studio with us later then?"

"I see no reason why not.  Shall I text the others, see what they think?"

"Go for it.  You have more time than me, I need my two hours of getting ready."  

Jesse laughed; "I'll leave you to get on with it then.  See ya."

"Bye dude."

I walked back into the dining room to find Jack staring at his empty plate  He glanced up at me expectantly, dark brown eyes alight.  "And?"

"Well, Jesse's up for it.  The others will be too scared to do anything but follow our lead," I joked.

"That's great news!"  He walked round the table, put two hands on my waist and slowly kissed my lips.  I didn't resist but I didn't put much into kissing him back and he didn't take long before pulling away.  It was funny really, how the more obsessed I became with Vic the less I felt Jack was interested.  Either it was a psychological thing or he'd sensed it in me.  Still, he hadn't ended it.  But then again, neither had I.

"Can we pull into Asda for a minute?"  Jack asked.  It was half ten in the morning and we were driving to the studio,

"Yeah, sure."  I pulled in as he'd asked.  "I may as well come in too, I need to pick up the new Kerrang."

"I've never understood why you read it," he laughed; "isn't it weird seeing so many features on you and your friends?"

"I don't see what's wrong with that," I replied, a little too defensively.  I was at that stage with Jack now where all he had to do was disagree with me on something trivial or do something I didn't agree with and the anger would start to simmer, as much as I tried to cool myself down.

"Okay babe, I was just saying."  He tried to smile.  I pulled up and we walked into the store; I kept my head down and prayed we wouldn't be spotted by anybody today.  I loved my fans of course, but I wasn't in the mood today and I didn't want to hurt their feelings by being irritable.  Jack's hand reached out to mine; I squeezed it but dropped it a few seconds after, not because I didn't want anyone to see but because I didn't want to feel it myself. 

"I'm just off to the magazine aisle then," I told him before he could protest and say he'd come too, slipping off.  I kept in my dazed daydream, staring at the ground, so I didn't notice the person I was walking into until it was too late.

"Sorry!" I apologised, embarassed, and looked up to see who it was I'd walked into.  In that split second I'd prepared myself for an irritated middle-aged man or a teenage fan-girl, but neither would have been as bad as the reality.  The curly brown hair that dancing just above the shoulders, the distimctive nose-ring, the alluring eyes; it could on;y have been Vic.

"One day your dreamy ways will be the death of you Kellin, I swear," he laughed.  It almost hurt me that he was so casual and laidback when he talked to me when I wanted to fall into his arms and never leave them again.

"I'll take my chances until then," I replied.  I never knew what to say to him anymore, it brought me back to my awkward teenage days of being anxious I was annoying my crush.

"How you been anyway?  I haven't seen you in ages!"  If only he knew it was because I found it far too painful.

"Sorry, I've just been busy with the new album and everything."

"I know the feeling.  Fancy a curry night in soon, just the four of us?" 

"What - us, Jack and Louisa?"

"Yup."  I was torn - part of me longed to be with Vic yet I knew it wouldn't be good for me.

"Ah, I'll see what Jack says."

"Well let me know."

"Oh, hey Kellin," said a sickly sweet voice I knew too well.  Louisa flicked her long, straw-coloured curls and flashed me a false smile.  She was dressed in a tight, low-cut top and a tiny skirt with tights; if I was straight I'd probably have found her very atttractive, but as it was I was repulsed as she slid her thin, orange arm around Vic's waist protectively and whispered something in his ear.

"Hi Louisa," I acknowledged unenthusiastically, not even managing to fake friendliness; "well, I'd better be going, Jack will be wondering where I got to," I murmured and walked off.

"Bye!"  They said in chorus.  I sneaked a look behind me but instantly wished I hadn't when I saw her eating his face away, his fingertips riding on the small of her back.  I felt crushed.  I wanted to go home and cry, not face up to Jack and act like everything was alright.  Holding myself together whilst not making Vic believe I hated him was proving an impossible balancing act.