So Keep In Happiness And Torture Me

Fall Asleep And Dream

It had been a whole month I'd spent living like a recluse.  A month in a hotel I couldn't afford with my phone turned off spent lounging around in my underwear, watching re-runs of old films on TV and barely eating.  Nobody knew where I was.  Of course I knew it was all a ridiculous over-reaction, I was being selfish and I needed to get a grip - but it was as if I'd lost all my ability to care about anything.  I wouldn't say my emotion had gone because Vic was always at the forefront of the mind.  I guess this was all just an attempt to block the emotion out, and it was partly working.

The room service walked in.  She didn't even bother knocking anymore, she knew that all I ever did was watch TV: I was always here and I was never busy.

"Curry takeaway meal and a beer."  She smiled as she walked towards me to hand it over.

"Thanks," I said, briefly smiling at her before I turned back to the TV and waited for her to walk away.  But she continued to stand there with a touch of hesitancy.

"I don't mean to be nosy, I know it isn't my place to ask, but.." she paused for a moment, as if waiting for me to protest, but I stayed silent; "is there something you're running away from?  I've never know anyone stay in their room for this long, never leaving and barely moving."  I was surprised by her question, but I wasn't angry.

"I'm not running, just hiding I guess.  I need some time."

"Time for what?"

"To think things over."

"How much longer do you think you'll need."

"I'm not sure, but I do know that I'm not ready to face things just yet."

She settled down beside me.  This girl had quite some nerve.  "The longer you spend here the scarier the outside world is going to become, do you not think?"

"Maybe."  I just wanted her to go.

"So are you going to tell me what the problem is?"

"There's - there's this guy.  This guy I love."  I turned to measure her reactions - she looked surprised but was evidently making an effort to hid it, so I carried on; "I've loved him since we first met when we were seventeen.  We became like best friends but he meant so much to me that I was always too scared.  I mean, I've always been openly gay but he's straight.  Supposedly,"

"Supposedly?" she asked sceptically.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those gay people who thinks that everybody else is secretly gay too.  It's just that I've always felt like he was dropping hints at me, and the other night when I was round his we were on the verge of making love."  I looked to the ground, ashamed for some reason.

"On the verge?  What happened?"

"His girlfriend came home," I grimaced; "I ran away, hid here and haven't re-entered the real world since."

"Does he know where you are?"

"No."

"Does anybody?"

"No."

"Look, I don't even know your name -"

"Kellin."

"Okay, Kellin.  I feel bad for you but I think you're being an idiot.  I know nothing about this guy but if you really cared about him you'd be out there trying to win him over now instead of staying here and hoping that one day you'll wake up and everything will be okay."

"It isn't that simple."

"Wanna bet?"

"Well what would you do?  What can I do now?"  Exasperated, I got up from the sofa and glared at her, whilst looking at her properly for the first time.  She was a pretty, brunette girl who must be in her early twenties with concerned green eyes.

"Oh you'll see what I'll do," she winked at me as she walked out the room.

"Wait, what do you mean?" I called after her, but she'd already shut the door behind her.  I wasn't about to venture out the room and follow her so I slumped back into the sofa, made a start on my curry and fell asleep.  

It was only after waking the next morning that I realised my phone had gone.