So Keep In Happiness And Torture Me

I'm Afraid Of What I'll Find

I told myself that I must have misplaced the phone somewhere around my room, which seemed very unlikely since I hadn't touched it for the whole duration of my stay and I'd barely moved myself.  The only alternative was that somebody had stolen it, and for me there were two problems with accepting this possible scenario: the first was that to deal with it I'd be forced to leave my room and the second was that whoever had taken it was going to see all my missed calls and ignored text messages and get suspicious; the actual issue of having my phone missing barely even crossed my mind.  But I took the course of action I'd grown accustomed to: I slumped in front of the sofa and watched some more TV.

Then there was a knock on the door.  The pretty brown-haired girl from before  - I realised I had no idea what her name was - walked in cautiously with the ghost of a smile.

"I didn't order any room service," I told her, acting confused although the thing I'd feared would happen seemed to be slowly submerging as reality.

"This isn't room service, although I have brought you something.  Or someone."  She turned around and beckoned someone in.

It was Vic.

All of a sudden I was hyper-aware of the piles of litter lining the floor, the fact my hair was slightly greasy, the bulge in my stomach and the verging on unpleasant smell of my clothes.

I expected a look of disgust to flash through his eyes - or at the best, pity - but instead I saw a deep concern.  He almost ran towards me and fixed me in a tight embrace; if he noticed my odour he didn't seem to care and he ran his palms arounds my face then down my body, as if to check I was all here and completely real.

"Um, hello to you too, Vic," I laughed.

"Oh Kellin..."  He ran his hands over his face and I gushed in the cuteness of the way his eyes and skin moved as he did at.  Then he continued to speak; "seriously, what were you thinking, trying to pull of this disappearing act?  I always knew you were crazy but this takes thing to a ridiculous level.  It's stupid and childish and fucking selfish too.  We've all been worried sick.  Me, Jesse, Gabe, Jack, Justin, your family, even Jack.  Especially Jack, actually."  He sounded furious at me and I surprised myself by bursting into tears.  That was when the girl reappeared - or maybe she'd been there all along but I hadn't noticed - and stroked my back soothingly.

"Be easy on him, remember he's been living in a hazy world for a whole month, we need to ease him back into reality easily," she whispered to Vic.  I hated how they were treating me like kids.  I didn't want Vic to see himself as a sort of parent figure to me, the liability.  I wanted him to love me in a very different way.

"Would you quit it guys?  I'm in a perfectly normal state!"  I tried to shout but I just sounded hoarse and my voice cracked.

They both looked at me sympathetically.

"I admit I was stupid, but can we put that aside just for now.  Vic, I'm sure you guys could have found me if you'd really tried - "

"Is that what this was all about?"

"No," I said quietly; "it was all about you."

"Me?" he whispered, while the girl looked away.  He turned to her.  "Lizzie?"  so that's what her name was; "did you know this?"

"Maybe a little, most of it ... don't look at me like that, I was helping him!"

"Yeah, because that's exactly what you've done."

"Don't turn on Lizzie Vic!"  It felt weird calling her by a name she'd never confirmed with me herself.

"You're right, I'm sorry Liz," he told her with a genuine voice.  She flashed me an appreciative smile.

"Look guys, I'm going to leave you now, I don't think it's my place to be here.  But please, help each other to help yourselves."  And before we could question what that was supposed to mean she'd headed right off.  Me and Vic stayed silent for a while

"So, this.  It was all about me?  I guess you mean that night.."

"Of course I mean that night."  It came out so bluntly, not because I was angry but because he was hurting me.

"I thought that was just a drunken misdemeanor."

"Maybe to you.  Oh, it doesn't matter Vic, just leave.  I don't want to make things hard for you."  I was about to walk back to the sofa but he grabbed my arm, sending an electric jolt through my body.

"Don't say that.  You don't realise how things have been for me lately."

"You expect me to be sympathetic?"  I was aghast.

"I'm sorry Kellin, but you're being self-centred.  Two weeks ago I found out Louisa had been cheating on me with Oli Sykes.  She said she was convinced I'd been cheating on her, thought I was distant and using her for something.  I kicked her out."

"I always hated her."  To my surprise he laughed, and my mood lightened.

"Yeah.  To be honest, although I was really down at that point, I realised it wasn't because of what she'd done.  It was because I realised that I'd always been kidding myself about loving her.  I just kept thinking back to that night with you."  Those perfect, deep eyes looked off the carpet and nervously up to meet mine.  All my energy was consumed keeping my feet solidly on the ground and my arms flatly by my side while all the elelectricty circuited through my body and my heart beat quadrupled.  I was speechless.