Needing her.

Chapter 3.

When I came home the first thing I did was smoke a cigarette. I used to be a social smoker but when my mental health got bad I became addicted.

After smoking I went to my room. The walls are white, the closet is white, my little studytable and chair are white. My bed is white. Everything is white. I hate white. But on top of it all, I am afraid to change the color. My mom decorated my room, my room is the only thing I have left that reminds me of her.

I close the blinds and lay in bed. I stare at the ceiling. I feel so alone. I don't have friends or family. Yes, I have my father but I wish I didn't. My father was abusive when I grew up, he always hit my mom. He never laid an finger on me, except one time. When he hit me my mom got so furious and punched out his front teeth. He made her pay for that.

When my mom died he changed, he became more silent. He never talks with me about her and I can't visit my grandparents. I hate him. He erased everything I had left of her. He burned her clothes. Shattered her pictures. Flushed down her parfume. He made sure nothing reminded me of her.

'Mom! Mom!'
No sound.
'Mom! Open the door!'
No reaction.
'Mom! Please! Open the door!'
The door opened. There she is. Standing at the door. Covered in a red substance.

'What is going on?' My voice is shaking. 'What is that?' 
She looks at me with tears in her eyes. 'I'm sorry little dove,' she says 'I am so sorry'.

'What do you m-'

My eyes flew open. Where am I?
I stumble out of bed, into the bathroom. Mom, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I am so so sorry mom. Mom please come back. Please, do it for me. I need you.

I break down. Tears falling out of my eyes. Who the hell is cutting onions? The last time I cried was after moms funeral. That was 5 years ago. I cried so hard that my body made me puke.

I puked again. I am shaking. The tears won't stop falling down. My eyes hurted and my mouth was dry. I made no sound, because if my father hears me.

⚠️TW: sh behavior⚠️

I get up. Run to my room. I need to. I can't feel this pain.

I grab my sharpie. I roll up my sleeve. The moment the sharpie hits my flesh I feel different. Like I am walking on clouds. My body calms down. 1. 2. 3. I need 5 cuts. 4... 5!

Blood is welling up. I feel the red substance running down my arm. It runs down my hand. And at last it touches the floor.

I breath heavily. My tears stopped rolling. My mind went numb. I was okay. At least it feels like that.

I grab my bandage and roughly take care of my wounds. I clean up and roll down my sleeve.

⚠️End of TW⚠️

After I ate my sandwich I went to bed again. I scrolled on TikTok and watched some Netflix series. I am watching Orange is the new Black. It makes me question my sexuality. Ur confused. Ur not gay. You can't be.

At 2am I smoke my last cigarette. And after that I fell back into sleep. This day was the same as any other day. Boring. Wishing it to end.

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Hi guys! I know this might be confusing. But this is the beginning of the story. Cate will be more in the chapters next time. Hope you liked it! Do you have some feedback for me, please let me know!❤️‍🩹

Thanks guys! Things will get more clear soon! Make sure to drink you water and eat your vegetables 🥦