"Is the shopping done?!" Ontario yelled through his phone at his siblings.
"Yes, now stop yelling, people are staring at me!" Alberta huffed impatiently, "Manitoba's picking up the cake, I've got the decorations, the Maritimes are dealing with beverages, we're all sort- DON'T YOU DARE PUSH IN FRONT OF ME YOU LITTLE ****! -Sorry, y'know how queueing can get at Costco..."
Before today's last-minute shopping, this was the first time the provinces had even thought about Canada's birthday this year and July 1st was fast approaching. After much arguing, the thirteen of them had decided on a surprise party for Nada after the UN meeting that day. Somehow, Yukon had managed to convince Alaska to steal Candle Man's [America's - that's what they call him because of Yankee Candles] keys to the UN headquarters, meaning that - besides what was currently being bought - they had everything they needed to carry out their cunning plan...
On midday of the 1st July, the entire ensemble, furniture and all, snuck cautiously through the fire exit of the empty meeting room adjacent the one that that the Global No-Killing-Each-Other Agreement Number 197 And A Bit (or that's what Alaska had called it when he retrieved the keys, anyway) was currently being signed in.
The room was extremely spacious, with marble flooring and bluebell-coloured walls adorned with ornately-carved stone pillars. It was perfect in every way imaginable. Floor to ceiling, wall to wall, the entire place was spotless and elegantly decorated with all kinds of flora, as well as precisely-painted portraits of each organisation that used the room.
Laying the mountainous, caramel-coated cake down on the central table in the hall, Manitoba whisper-shouted, "Well, what are we waiting for? Hurry!"
By some miracle, almost everything got done on time, with very little squabbling: Newfoundland and Labrador helped PEI reach high enough to hang the streamers from the ceiling, Saskatchewan, Alberta and Manitoba loaded the confetti cannons together, even Quebec and Ontario managed to lay out the snacks in harmonious cooperation. In fact, the only real row was when Nova Scotia and New Brunswick were pouring the drinks.
"Save the Liquor for the guests, Nova!" New Brunswick sighed, grabbing the bottle from the Canadian-Scot's hands.
"Hey!" Nova scoffed, grabbing it back, "You said yourself just a few minutes ago that we'd ordered too much! I'm just helping with disposal!"
"Well, yes, but-"
"Oh, shut it!" Quebec finally hissed at the irked duo, "Merde, if you were any louder, the people from the graveyard across the street would be filing a noise complaint!"
"Anyway," Ontario sighed, "we only have one string of fairy lights yet to turn on! Who would like to do the honours?"
"Me!" Alberta and British Colombia announced simultaneously.
"Well, I put in more work!"
"But you do everything around here! Give someone else ago!"
"You just sleep and be on fire as a hobby, what do you know?"
"That's climate change's fault! And not helped by your oil industry!"
"Excuse me?!"
This row went on for quite some time, each of the two pulling furiously at the lights, attempting to fend the other off. The battle came to a halt, ending in one final stand-off, with BC and Alberta stood opposite each other, one end of the lights each in hand, a pillar separating the two provinces.
"Give me the end!" Alberta demanded racing towards her rival.
"Never!" BC shrieked, ignoring the shushing from the other provinces and running the opposite way.
"STOP!" Ontario cried, "The pillar will-"
CRASH!
"-fall."
The pillar, a hefty stone giant, ripped through the plasterboard wall that separated the meeting rooms, coating provinces and nations alike in claylike dust and leaving a gaping hole in the flooring on both sides of what once was a wall.
"What on Earth..."
"What happened?"
"I look like Frosty the Snowman!"
"My beautiful flooring... destroyed..."
"Guys?!" Canada rushed out to them, his face unreadable, his cheeks flushed red and his eyes darting across the room as he trembled slightly.
"H-happy birthday....?" Nova grinned awkwardly, blowing into a particularly underwhelming party popper.
"We're going home," he barked, glaring at he provinces, "and when we get there, you better have a good excuse for this." There was a sharpness in Nada's voice the provinces had never heard before, a bitterness, almost. Turning around, he added, "I'm sorry, UN. I can pay the damage-"
"No, no! It's alright," UN grimaced, still mourning the loss of his beautiful marble flooring, which was now covered in dents and scratches. "I'll sort it out. However, your provinces over there are all on a ten-year ban from applying to become nations!"
"What!" Quebec shrieked. "Seriously, I swear-"
"-That you're all on World Bin Duty for the next six months, for that cheek, Quebec. Watch your tongue." UN finished sternly.
"QUEBEC!" the twelve other provinces yelled furiously.
"Oops." Quebec muttered.
YOU ARE READING
Canadian Provinces: Tales Of Mischief & Mayhem
FanfictionCanada's life may seem serene and peaceful from the outside, but is that really so? Meet his family: thirteen chaotic provinces and territories, who are hell-bent on making mischief until midnight and competing with each other for no apparent reason...
