Once Upon A Thought

Beautiful Disaster

03/20

This is a first for me, but I like to end my day talking to him. I know he's had a long day, so it means even more to me that he takes the time anyway. I'll leave it at that.

04/04

Is there a void in my life? This is strange for me to talk about, but I haven't been here before. I've never been in love. I've never had anything close to it before. Right? I was the one to not catch feelings. Well, here I am and I'm in deep. I've never thought I was missing not having someone there, but the way I'm feeling right now I know I've been naïve. The way he makes me feel is nothing I've felt before. He makes me the happiest I've been. No one has made me want them as I want him. When I'm not with him I miss him like crazy. So, yes. There might've been a void I didn't know about.

04/14

Three simple words, yet I'm scared more than I've ever been. My heart still races when I'm around him. I miss him when he's not here with me. No one has ever made me feel this way. I've gone most my life hating people's touch, yet there's nothing more I want than to feel his. He asks what's on my mind and it's always him. The way we can stare into each other's eyes and only hold a smile. The way he laughs at his own jokes in the same manner as I. The way he places kisses over my face. Those moments are always on my mind. I've told him things I've told no one else. He brings me comfort I didn't know I needed. He brings me happiness I've never felt, just from a simple "I miss you." He's been my first for so many things. It's no wonder I want him. Or why I have those three words on my mind. Doesn't mean it's easy for me, because when I admit it, that's where I'm lost. I'll be lost in him and the only thing that will get me back is heartbreak. Better to have loved and lost is the saying but doesn't make it less scary.

04/26

Right now, the only thing I care about is the fact that he makes me happy. There might be a day where I'll need that reassurance, but that's not today. I just need the satisfaction of my happiness and he makes me pretty damn happy currently.

05/07

Our eyes meet and a smile automatically makes its way to both our faces. "I'm happy," he voices without hesitation. My breath catches and so many thoughts rush through my head, but I easily tell him, "I'm happy too." – And I was in that moment.

"I won't be able to Saturday."

"Not today."

"Sorry."

"We're just different."

05/11

I've thought about what I wanted to say all week and I couldn't say it. I didn't want to believe it I guess, but I do now. I let myself get used to talking to him every day. I got attached, because well it made me happy to hear from him. To see him. That's on me, because I wasn't sure if he felt exactly how I felt. Yet, I let myself be vulnerable anyway. I was happy and didn't care, but I'm not anymore. All I wanted was to hear from him and then he would reassure me I wasn't a bother. He would say he missed me, and it was all I ever wanted to hear, but I didn't really believe it. Deep down I felt we were strained and now I've become so unhappy from all of this. If someone would've asked me two weeks ago, I would've told them how happy I was. So, I thank him for that. This year has been pretty terrible for me, but these past couple of months I was able to be happy. Even if it was just for a little bit. However, I can't do this anymore.

I still wish him the best.

05/16

Trust. What is my definition of trust?

When I'm sad and I can't sleep. When I have previously kept that sadness inside. When I pick up the phone and go to your name. When you answer and know right away something's off with one word from me. When you ask, "is everything okay?" When I don't hesitate to tell you everything. When you don't judge me, instead listen the whole time. When I say I feel alone and no one to talk to. When you say, "You have me. I'm here for you."

That was when I knew.

But that was then.

What a beautiful disaster we became.