I'm a Healer, But...

32

The thing about Tommy saying he'll talk to Wilbur after the last song plays out... is that all of time comes after the last song plays out.He didn't promise he'd talk to Wilbur right away, after all. After the song plays out there's tomorrow, then the next day, and the next week, even. He could wait a year, if he wanted, actually! Because it's always after the last song!It gives Tommy a good excuse to push it off. To ignore Wilbur's prodding, ignore the faint feelings of hope or hurt when Tommy reacts one way or another. They're never alone together. The house is fuller, busier, and there's no chance for it- Tommy is always with Fundy until Quackity manages to get the suppressor over, then Techno starts teaching him glasswork as he makes Tommy a brewing station for his future potion lessons, and then and then and then-It's been a week since he last healed Fundy and the pain is back.Healing Charlie was important, but it was also so draining. It was a strain, pushing past his usual limits in a weird way, and then after healing Fundy constantly for days... the itch came on fast, then the pain set in, and it's driving him crazy.He can't starve himself, Techno cooks for him whenever he so much as suggests being hungry. Can't avoid sleeping when his flock sleeps with him in his nest half the time. Ranboo hasn't been crying, Tubbo hasn't blown himself up with redstone, no one is getting hurt.It's a good thing, but he feels like his powers are scratching at his bones.It's deep and horrible and every movement is tainted by the pull of his powers as they demand to be used. It's sharp but still horribly constant, and it only gets worse. It's only been a week. It's only been a week.It wakes him in the middle of the night, and he crawls out of bed, away from Ranboo and Tubbo. They've been worried about him since the pain started to kick in, when he became more withdrawn to try to hide it. He refuses to acknowledge their concern, but they've been sticking especially close by, and they both fell asleep in the nest last night. It soothes him to see them safe in the nest, helps him ignore the desperate scratching hidden under his skin, but not for long.He needs something. He needs to heal.Tommy wants Techno to take him out again. To watch him carve bits and pieces off of someone, so Tommy can sew them back together and watch it happen again and again. He wants to find someone burning to death and run his hands over bubbling skin. He wants blood and gore and whatever it takes to make this stop.There's a knife in the kitchen. The same knife Wilbur used to carve up his own arm, he thinks, though it's not like he'd know for sure. He was pretty distracted at the time, after all- because Wilbur hurt himself for Tommy's sake.When Wilbur picked up the knife, Tommy was suddenly right back in Dream's apartment. Dream never deliberately cut into him like that, but it wasn't uncommon for him to just happen to be holding something sharp when Tommy was bad. And Tommy was being bad now, Techno had told him not to starve himself, but he did anyway so the pain wouldn't come back and Wilbur had the knife and it was going to hurt-And Wilbur dragged it along his own skin, the blood beading up, and for a long moment Tommy just stared, because... why would he do that? Why would he hurt himself just because Tommy needed to heal? But Wilbur dropped the knife, and a poppy bloomed under Tommy's hand, and his powers settled under his skin.Wilbur isn't here now. But Tommy and the knife are. He picks it up, hand shaking slightly as he holds it to his arm, the same place Wilbur had cut on himself. He doesn't want to do this- he doesn't want to hurt- and part of him might laugh, later, at how he's doing this alone, in the dead of the night, like a wrong'un hiding a crime, but right now he just needs it to stop."Stop," a voice comes from behind him, and-It's fear like he's never felt before, worse than the constant dread of being betrayed, worse than the first time Wilbur called him his brother, worse than Dream threatening to kill him and revive him until he broke and finally obeyed him. It's fear like he's dying, like he's already dead. He would scream if he could breathe, but he can't, his lungs frozen and he's frozen and maybe he is dead, maybe this is all there is and it is unending and he will never be free, always terrified beyond words, maybe this is eternity-Tommy gasps for air when it recedes, warbling involuntarily as soon as he physically can, flock-help-scared-scared-HELP.You're safe, I'm here, flock sings back, and he chirps desperately, almost flailing as he reaches out- his hands are empty, the knife gone somehow- but hands take his and he's pulled in close, arms wrapping around him. His heart pounds as the terror slowly fades, and he grabs at whatever pieces of awareness he can find.He's on the ground. He's shaking too much to stand- did he collapse? He's being held, safe, safe like the nest . He chirps again, and again, flock-flock-flock, and the arms hold him tighter.Safe, safe, safe, flock sings again, and he goes boneless as he feels so much- too much-Relief and joy and comfort and fear and fear and fear and wonder and he can't breathe again, his brain is screaming at the assault of feelings that aren't his-Help, he warbles again, and it stops.Everything stops.Tommy is on the ground. He's shaking too much to stand. He's being held.It's quiet, except for his own sobbing breaths, except for someone else's shaky breathing. The floor is cold, cold enough to feel even through his jeans. The pain still claws at him, still rips at his insides, but it's nothing compared to what he just felt."Sunflower," flock holding him says, sounding close to tears. "I'm so sorry." Wilbur needs to stop apologizing to him-Oh fuck.Tommy forces his eyes open, and it's exactly what he thought. Wilbur is the flock holding him, keeping him safe, keeping him safe from himself. It was his powers that made Tommy so fucking terrified, it was him, and now-And now Tommy is clinging to him back, the horrible bird part of his brain calling Wilbur safe, because Tommy was so scared the bird drowned him out and now he's-He's-"You- you son of a bitch, " he chokes out, tightening his grip on Wilbur's sweater. "You, you just- you-""You were going to hurt yourself, Tommy, I didn't- I didn't mean to," Wilbur lets out a miserable warble in return, and Tommy almost chirps to soothe him back, like he wants to calm him down, like-He's going to kill him. He's going to kill him."You were about to cut yourself, I was just trying to stop you, I didn't mean to share my fear-"Tommy freezes, and Wilbur coos, you're safe you're safe , but-That wasn't Wilbur's fear. Why would Wilbur be so scared? How could Wilbur be so scared, how could anyone ? It was so overwhelming, so devastating, how could any living being feel that without immediately breaking down?But Wilbur is breaking down. He holds Tommy so tight, like he's precious, like he'll disappear if Wilbur lets go. He rocks them both back and forth, cooing and chirping whatever comforts he can get through his own obvious panic. Because Tommy scared him.Because Tommy hurting himself scared him.Tommy takes a shaking breath, and then another. He feels like he's going to pass out. "I- my powers," he whispers. "It hurts, I wanted to- like you did. Just enough to heal, to- to make it hurt less."Wilbur warbles again, I'm scared, and Tommy-Something small and dark in Tommy rears its head. "Just a little," he continues. "It hurts, Wilbur, I was just going to cut a little, it wouldn't have been too deep." Wilbur trembles, and Tommy ducks down, hiding his face in Wilbur's shoulder. "Just a small cut, a little blood, I wouldn't die- "Wilbur chirps in a way that Tommy has only heard from himself. Flock, it sings, but it's followed with don't die don't be hurt flock be safe flock I love you-If Wilbur is going to fuck Tommy up like this, then Tommy can do the same right back.(He was supposed to be better, wasn't he? He was figuring out his feelings, he was picking apart his traumas, he was recovering- but he needed more time to fix things with Wilbur, and Wilbur took that from him by terrorizing him, by making him so scared and desperate he claimed Wilbur as flock. This isn't healthy, it's not how it was supposed to go-But right now, he doesn't care.)I'm safe, Tommy chirps back. We're safe.It's a long while before Wilbur comes back to himself, his instincts withdrawing. Even when the warbles and chirps stop, though, he doesn't let go, not yet. "Tommy," he says, his voice raw. "Why- why didn't you tell anyone? We- we would fix it, we'd get you someone to heal, why would you-"Tommy keeps resting his head on Wilbur's shoulder. "It's dumb," he mumbles."It's not dumb , it's important-""No," he interrupts. "My reason's dumb. I just..." Tommy lets it trail off, Wilbur's question unanswered.Wilbur's sacrifice kept coming to mind. His willingness to hurt himself just to soothe Tommy's pains. No one's ever done something like that before, especially not when he didn't even ask for it.And now it'd feel pathetic to ask for it. Even if Techno probably would cut himself for Tommy, even if Ranboo could easily be brought to tears that would burn his face, it wouldn't be genuine. Not like Wilbur did.He hates Wilbur, because Wilbur makes him want.He wants someone who wants him. Someone willing to make sacrifices for him. Someone who looked at him the moment they met and wanted him, genuinely wanted him, who watched him through his worst moments of fear and rage and still thought him worthy of being family.Of being his brother.He wants to erase Dream from his mind. He wants someone to fill the gap Dream left, and he knows Wilbur would fit in so easily, so much better. A brother, one that was always there for him, even before they met, when Tommy only knew his voice singing ' Shout at the wall, 'cause the walls don't fucking love you- 'He wants so badly. He's greedy, Dream told him whenever he wanted something, but now it feels like greed is good because Wilbur would give him what he wanted. Wilbur would be his brother. He'll hold him like this, he'll sing, he'll love Tommy, he'll give Tommy the fucking world, he thinks, and-Even now, Wilbur reaches for the knife, and he digs it into his own leg, and poppies bloom under Tommy's hands as his flock's blood spills onto the kitchen floor.And he laughs with relief as his pain and Wilbur's fade together.