The things I wish never happened

Chapter 20

*ronnie pov*

*possible tw: mentions of rape and the aftermath are discussed

The boys made sure I was okay before leaving me alone in the room with Jimin. Jimin watched each one walk out of the room before he started talking.

"I'm sorry." He said as he looked at me. He looked like he had his own personal war in his head. I almost felt bad for him.

I sat down on the couch next to him careful not make any contact. I wanted him to pay attention. Not think this was a game.

"I love you." I started off feeling a lump in my throat betraying me.

"But." He sighed out.

"But..." he wiped the tears falling down my cheeks and I looked down at the beautiful wedding ring on my finger. I took it off. Then looked back up at Jimin his eyes were closed and he was crying. I grabbed his hand and lifted it palm up. I gently unfolded his hand and placed the ring in his palm. I was hiccuping from my tears. He bit his bottom lip to stop himself from talking.

"We're not good together." I cried. "I wanted us to be for so long. I pretended so much wasn't happening for the sake of you, I thought maybe every relationship has cheating, we can push through it."

He looked down. "I'm sorry please don't..."

"I kept pushing through it. Because I loved you so much. It gave you something I couldn't give you. Sex. Not to say that when we had it, it wasn't amazing... I just have my own personal issues as to why sex wasn't important to me."

"Ronnie." He sighed.

"Let me finish first please." He nodded. "I should have been honest with you too."

He looked at me confused. "What?"

"I guess by the end of my talking you'll know." I gave him a sad smile. "Sex wasn't important to me and it is very important to you. I never doubted if you loved me. Ever. Until yesterday." I looked at him. "You left me in the doctors room... where.... Where he explained in detail about our dead baby and what to expect. I was booking a surgery date and you.... You were holding another woman's baby bump.... One you told me wasn't your own baby.... I heard her say the words. That baby is yours."

"Ronnie I-"

"I'm not done." I wiped my own tears. "I thought what worse could happen? Right? I needed to calm down so I ran to the car and called Jungkook. I told him what just happened and he said to talk to you, hear you out. So I stayed in the car until you were done with her."

I felt my throat swell with a lump. Did I even want to continue? "You came back to the car and got so angry with me. But I was just upset. I just needed you to reassure me it would be okay, we'd get through this and figure it out together." I looked down. "Instead we started screaming and hitting each other"

"Ronnie you don't have to keep going." Jimin wrapped me in his arms.

"No I do because something else is important." He kissed my forehead. "Jimin a few years ago..." I didn't want to do this. "Nevermind." I sighed.

"No it's okay." Jimin kissed my cheek. "You can tell me."

"Do you remember my ex?"

"The tall one?" He raised an eyebrow.

I nodded. "The one I dated during one of our high school breakups."

"You were just trying to make me jealous. Why does this guy matter?"

I let the tears drop and roll down my face. "Jimin he raped me. He raped me and I got pregnant."

Jimin eyed me not sure what to say or do. So I continued. "You had moved away for a year to college."

"No Ronnie. No more please."

"You moved away to college and built up your body count. And I lost my desire to ever have sex again. I didn't report it... who would have believed me?"

"I would have...." He looked down.

"That night he raped me I sat on my bedroom floor crying. How had I messed up so bad? But I assumed maybe it was my karma from trying to piss you off." I looked down. "But every day I'd lock myself in my bathroom for hours scrubbing my skin raw begging a god I don't believe in to take his touch away from me." I sniffled. "That god that people believe in couldn't do that one thing. Every day since then no matter how long or hard I scrub my body. I feel his arms crushing me. I feel him....." I cut off myself with my tears. "Jimin I was okay with you cheating because physically I couldn't be who you needed anymore. Your sex drive was high. That isn't your fault."

"Ronnie I... I didn't know... I thought you just.. I thought my body wasn't good enough."

"Your body is more than enough Jimin." I smiled at him. "But I'm not finished."

"Alright." He sighed.

"I found out shortly after I was pregnant. I cried and cried and cried and finally decided I would have an abortion." I looked down. "And thats a mistake I'll regret forever because they messed up and I ended up with a bad infection that nearly killed me, leaving me infertile." I smiled I don't know why. "Its like I almost stop feeling him touch me and I'm ready to give you everything you want, then I'm reminded.... I can't even give you a family." I finally let everything out.

"Ronnie." Was all he said before crashing into me with the biggest hug. A hug that made me feel more loved than I had ever been. "I guess I should tell you my side too huh?" He pulled away then picked up my hand and slid my wedding band back on my finger. "But you're mine Ronnie." He kissed my hand. "I'm not losing you."

AN; are yall ready for Jimin's side