My Way Swoon

✨Chapter Twenty Six✨

TW: This chapter focuses on depression as well as suicide, substance abuse, anxiety and trauma. I tried to pull from my knowledge and personal relationship with mental illness but I understand it's a very touchy subject and different for all of us. I apologize in advance if anybody is upset as a result of this chapter.

"Let me just change first, okay? I'll be right out," I told him.

Jake followed me into my bedroom. He watched me as I slipped out of my work pants and pulled on some pajama shorts. I went to take my shirt off and saw that he was looking down at his hands. I took off my bra and pulled on a long sleeve tee shirt.

"Do you want anything? I don't have a lot to eat, but I could make tea? Or get you some water or something?" I offered.

"Let's just sit down," Jake said.

I followed him to the couch. He sat down and I crawled into his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto him. He ran his hands up and down my sides.

"I don't want you to overreact or think of me differently," I whispered.

"You don't have to tell me. If you don't want me to know. It's okay."

"It's just gonna keep bothering you, Jake."

"No, but that's just because I'm letting it bother me."

"Let me get you a drink. I think we could both use one," I offered as I climbed off his lap and headed for the kitchen.

Jake followed me and leaned up against the counter. I opened the fridge. There was still some wine left from the other night.

"Wine?" I suggested.

"Whatever you want, babe."

I poured each of us a glass. I gestured for Jake to sit back down on the couch. I sat on the opposite end from him but I turned towards him.

I wasn't looking forward to this conversation. I had been avoiding it. I think partly just because it did make me feel emotional talking about it. I think it was mainly because I was worried about what Jake would think. And that sucked. I had been trying so hard not to care what other people thought of me. But with Jake it was different. I did care what he thought.

I stared at him for a second. He had a serious expression on his face. I looked at him and closed my eyes. I knew it was going to change things. I opened my eyes again and a single tear slipped down my cheek.

"Hey..." he murmured, reaching out to wipe my cheek.

"College was just- it was hard for me. I was dealing with losing you. I didn't know anyone so I didn't have many friends. I couldn't connect with anybody. I felt really out of place and like everybody was just judging me," I started.

Jake had set down his wine. He straightened up a little and nodded his head at me.

"I just felt so lost," I continued.

"I'm sorry, Lena. That sounds awful. I wish I would have been there for you."

"I think maybe- Is it okay if you just let me get through it before you say anything?" I asked.

"Oh. Yeah, sure. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything," he apologized.

He was already getting overwhelmed and I hadn't even gotten to the bad part yet.

"I know. I just think it'll be easier for me to talk about it if you don't say anything," I explained.

"Okay, I won't say another word," he assured me.

"I couldn't connect with anyone in any of my classes. I knew my neighbors. We weren't close or anything but they invited me to a party. I just- I was so sick of being lonely. I just wanted to make friends so I went."