The Sinner's Saint

I'LL BE OKAY

The fair hits me all at once. Lights everywhere, too bright, too fast, flashing like they're competing for attention. The smell of fried sugar punches me straight in the gut and my stomach flips, not in a fun way, excited way.

I gulp as I look at the ride that has traumatised me.

"Alex!"

"Yeah?" I reply running up to join the others who are so far away. Was I that out of it?

"Are you okay?" Nikolai asks concerned. Why wouldn't I be? Oh yh right cause im here against my will.

"Can we go on the carousel?" Aleyna asks as she pulls her dad to it. Honestly, carousels aren't that bad. I find them fun except the times when you almost slip off.

I hang back while they go, sticking close to the benches, keeping my hands busy by arranging everyones things in my bag. When im taking pictures I realise Lev isnt with them. Why tf did that one go?

After the carousel, the kids meaning Seb and the actual kids scatter between rides like this place was built specifically for them, Niko and Lev join them well Lev occasionally.

I stay seated the entire time, watching, filming and smiling when they look back trying to hide the fear and anxiety im feeling right now. Lev who completely gave up on the rides sits a few seats down, calm and still like he's guarding a crime scene instead of a carousel. Each picture or video I have of him on a ride, he has the same reaction. He doesn't scream or even move a muscle on his face.

Anyway He doesn't talk and I don't either but it's not awkward. It is actually very comfy which helps a lot.

Ride after ride, I stay planted on the bench like it's my assigned role. I watch, supervise and film basically anything but have fun.

"I'll watch you from here... like a nanny," I say pointing to my seat with a straight-line smile every time they try forcing me on one of the rides.

"Don't be a pussy," Seb says. I'm like 97% sure he's on my imaginary hit list and we literally just met. We're getting to the stage where his presence is starting to itch. I ignore him.

Siena, however, does not ignore me. She looks at me like she's made a decision, and that decision is violence.

"This one," she says, already grabbing my wrist. "You're coming."

The one ride I would sell my soul to never see again in my life is the one she wants me to go on. I open my mouth to say no and absolutely nothing useful comes out. See it like paralysis me.

The parents are distracted, the kids are hyped, and suddenly I'm being guided into a seat with a metal bar locking over my legs like it's final. Lord help me. Also, I did not miss the fact that the ice queen spoke to me and held my hand.

Lev slides in beside me. Great. Now I have to care how I look while actively panicking next to a very handsome man. Luckily, he's engaged, so this humiliation won't haunt me forever.

The ride starts moving.
Immediate no.
I shut my eyes straight away. I tell myself I'm fine. I tell myself it's just height, just speed, just noise, just air moving past my face. All lies, but they work for about three seconds.

Then we drop. I have never screamed fuck so loud in my life.

My hands fly to the closest thing to me - very nice, toned, muscly arms. Very nice. The niceness distracts me for half a second before another drop hits and my chest caves in like my body remembers something my brain would rather not right now.

My fingers curl on their own, gripping Lev's arms harder. I focus on that. His arm. The weight of it. The fact that it's solid and real and not trying to kill me. I breathe when he breathes. I count in my head, mess it up, start again.