the reality of being human

2

LISTEN TO GRACIE ABRAMS DURING THIS CHAPTER I'm adding will you cry because that's what I was listening to when I wrote this but also recommended feels like, Camden, block me out, fault line or this is what the drugs are for

Before I went to college I didn't have anxiety anymore. I had awful anxiety until the end of middle school, but none in high school. The first night there I lied to my new roommate who I loved and told her I was sick and was sleeping at my parents hotel, when I'm reality I had my first panic attack since I was in middle school. I didn't want to stay. I couldn't. I begged my parents to take me home but my mom said I had to try. I asked how long I had to try for and she said until parents weekend, which was only a month away but felt like a decade.

Somehow I was fine when they left. I had a few panic attacks before I fully moved in but once they left I was ok. Me and my roommate quickly became very close and meet up with a friend I had talked to over the summer, and she brought her friends and we formed a big friend group. It was the first time since middle school I had guys in my friend group. One guy was kind of a creep and we didn't see him again, so only one guy was left, and I definitely had a bit of a crush but I was too nervous to act on it. But for one month, every single night our group of friends met up at one of their dorms, which happened to be across campus for the rest of the group but actually in the building next to me and my roommate. We would text the group whenever we got food and at least a handful would be free to go get food. It was amazing. I felt so welcomed and I had always dreamed of having such a big friend group

But after that month classes picked up, and we stopped asking to eat together. It was rare anyone would. We still hung out on weekends but due to my chronic illnesses I couldn't go out to parties with them. And that's when my panic attacks started. When the fun and high of new friends and new things wore off.

I had panic attacks bad enough I would have to drive or be picked up that night I had the attack even though I was 3 hours from home. A few times I almost had to call an ambulance.

Throughout the next months I started meds for anxiety and panic attacks

But tonight I keep replying that night. The night I met those people, I was so happy. I look around at a huge group of friends with guys and girls and thought, " I did it." What I had been wanting my whole life.

And tonight all I want is to go back to that night. To retry. To redo the past few years.

Because the other night I'm thinking of is when I had a panic attack at 7pm, my roommate was getting dinner than getting ready at our friends to go out. I called my mom, the only thing that will calm me down. But it was worse then before. I was alone and I was lying there wondering what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I be normal. Why couldn't I just go to a party, why couldn't I keep a friend, why. And i begged my parents to let me come home and my dad got there at 10:30 it was silent the ride home. It was the first time I went home because of a panic attack.

Tonight, I'm reliving that day. I'm reliving the pain in my parents eyes when they saw my puffy face. The shame I felt texting my roommate that I was going home that night even though we had plans that weekend. The embarrassment that made me not tell my best friend about the panic attack. The fact I didn't know what the panic attack was about just made it worse.

But mostly- the day I realized I found a way to live with 5 chronic illnesses, to go to college, to graduate high school sick. But none of that mattered, because the illness wasn't going to be what wreaked me. It was the anxiety.

Tonight I mourn the life I had before. I've mourned the life before I was chronically I'll. Now I have to mourn the loss of JUST being chronically ill, and not also mentally ill.

So tonight. tonight I relive pain. And I wish for the impossible. I wish for a redo. I wish for a different set of circumstances. I wish to not be sick for my 1 life. I wish I wasn't so jealous of people who haven't felt this pain. I wish. I wish. I wish.

A tear hitting my cheek snaps me out of reliving those days. Fuck. I'm crying again. I wipe my tears. I turn my music off. I put my phone away. I try to sleep.

But I can't. And now I'm laying her with no music, no phone, no distraction. Just my thoughts. And I relive that pain again. I start reliving that day over and over. Until my dog moves on the bed and remember where I am. I take my phone back out, and scroll on tiktok until I fall asleep mid video. This way I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. This way I don't have to relive. This way my thoughts can be quiet until morning.

Sleeping is something I also love. I can never take naps for some reason but every night I get to escape and live in a dream. I don't relive anything. I live. I live this new amazing life. And I know I'll wake up and realize my dream wasn't real life. But at least for those few hours I truly believe it's my real life