the reality of being human

8

i have never been loved. and somewhere along the line I accepted it. somewhere along the line I determined I didn't deserve it. somewhere along the line I joked about it. somewhere along the line the jokes became a comfort. somewhere along the line I decided that meant I didn't deserve my own love either. somewhere along the line the jokes turned into a blanket covering the barbed wire that is my scars. somewhere along the line the blanket became tattered like a childhood possession. at some point along the line the blanket no longer served a purpose. somewhere along the line it was no longer a joking point. somewhere along the line I noticed the scars. somewhere along the line I started to believe I would never be loved. somewhere along the line it went from happiness seeing my friends be loved to longingly watching. somewhere along the line I realized the blanket hadn't stopped me from getting hurt, it just covered the pain. somewhere along the line the pain was no longer covered.some where along the line I realized you need love like oxygen. somewhere along the line I realized the lack of love altered my brain chemistry. somewhere along the line I realized I had to learn to love myself to survive. but somewhere along the line I forgot what love is. somewhere along the line the lack of love made it impossible for me to love myself. somewhere along the line I realized that you can drown from the lack of something. somewhere along the line I realized that all the blanket had done was make me numb. somewhere along the line I realized when the blanket fell apart the scars and lack of oxygen hit me at once. Somewhere along the line I realized the blanket had caused permanent damage, that even Zoloft can't fix. Somewhere along the line my sadness turned into anger. Somewhere along the line I began to hate that blanket for making me think i was okay. Somewhere along the line I remembered that I was the one who put that blanket there. Somewhere along the line I felt bad I had blamed the blanket. Somewhere along the line I got angry at myself for putting that blanket down. Somewhere along the line I apologized to the blanket. Somewhere along the line I hated myself. Somewhere along the line I realized why no one could love me. Somewhere along the line I wished I still had the blanket. Because somewhere along the line I realized I can't recover, and at least with the blanket it hurt less. Somewhere along the line I questioned why I can apologize to anyone but myself. somewhere along the line I realized I had ruined my chance at love, I always self sabotage. Somewhere along the line I realized that was the exact reason no one had loved me.