the reality of being human

3

I wake up, thank god it was just a dream- I dreamt I got an awful haircut. Of course that would be my dream on the day I have a haircut scheduled. But when I grab my phone I have a missed call, I listen to the voicemail and it's the salon, they have to reschedule my appointment.

I'm honestly relieved considering my head is pounding and the pain is getting worse. I start to sit up which only makes the migraine worse. I call my mom and she helps get meds, then leaves for her appointment. I try to fall back asleep, but I can't.

My dads out of town and my moms at work. I start overthinking, getting anxious about this weeks new doctor appointments and texts I haven't responded to

My thoughts are interrupted by a scratch at my door, I open it and let my dog in, then quickly fall back into bed.

Today, I'm trying my absolute hardest to not relive those bad days. To try and live this day even if it's a sucky day. It's starting to be warm out so I open my window and listen to music for a bit. I've read all the books on my shelf and my body is to tired to do any of my 100 crafts so I open my phone and find a story on wattpad, I start one that's not a romance one, I think that's a good first step but I quickly switch to a different one. Yes it's romance and yes it makes me wish I had that life, but it also gives me a break from reality. I finish it. I look at the time and it's 4:30pm. Oh my god I've been in bed reading the whole day. I grab a snack.

I figured I'd try and FaceTime my best friend, Jane. She doesn't answer, she texts back 10 minutes later and asks if she can call later in the week. She's busy with school and has a date tonight. I tell her to send me details, and tell her I'll be free this weekend to talk.

I open my dating app, make 2 swipes before closing it, I know for a fact I'll never meet up with anyone on the app so I should probably just delete it.

But before I do I notice a message from one of the guys I was praying I'd match with. I do some basic small talk and when he asks for pictures I sigh and swipe out of the app.

I decide I want to do something fun

when your chronically ill and can't leave your house fun is hard to do, activity's get repetitive. I click play on my record player, without checking what record is in. Hozier floats through the speakers I spin in circles singing along, flopping back onto my bed. My phone dings and I check, my mom telling me she'll be home later then she thought. I text back "okay, love you" my phone dings "love you more"

I look around my room deciding what activity I want to do, crochet? Paint? Make jewelry? Sew? I decide on sewing.

I make my way downstairs, stopping a at the bottom of the steps to catch my breath. Chronic illness sucks. A 20 year old shouldn't feel like she's about to faint after 20 steps. I stand up and make my way to the kitchen.

I grab a cup of ice, add a sprite, some grenadine and a can of pineapple juice. On my bad days I like to make a fun drink. Then I head to my desk, well my moms desk that currently has my sewing machine on it.

I pick some vintage flower fabric and get to work cutting. I sit on the floor, halfway laying down because laying makes me feel less sick.

I'm making a new makeup bag, I keep all my makeup in an organizer but when I go on trips or do makeup on the go all I have are those free glossier bags, which are cute but not big enough. The flowers are pastel colors and I grab a lavender zipper to go with it, I decide to make the lining a lavender gingham.

After 1.5 hours and 2 broken needles (don't ask I don't know how I managed to do that) and 3 bleeding fingers I'm done.

My bag is adorable. I start to clean up when my vision goes blurry. I need water and my bed. I toss the mess I made into a random plastic bag. I'll organize it later. I go upstairs, stoping every 3 steps so I don't faint. I crawl into bed, chug some water and grab my laptop.

I feel awful. But somehow there's a smile on my face. For the first time in a while. Because as small as making a bag may be, I did it. I turned my day around, I finally made something, I was productive, I had 1.5 hours where all I did was think about sewing, no bad thoughts.

I decide on impractical jokers, it's the only show that's ever made me genuinely laugh my ass off with every episode. There's a half eaten bag of chips on my side table, which I happily eat while watching.

3 episodes later I hear my moms car pull in. She asks what I want for dinner, I tell her I'm not really hungry and I'm pretty nauseous, I ask if I can just have toast and some berrys she says yes and brings it to me.

This is an everyday routine. I've ate in my room for 5 years now and my mom or dad normally bring it up. Stairs are hard, and at the end of the day at dinner time I'm almost always to tired. If I feel well enough I get my food myself. But recently I've been to sick to. I take a moment to be grateful that I have such an amazing support system. I wish I could tell them how I really feel. But the sadness on my moms face when she she's me struggle to sit up is why I can't. Because me being sick breaks her heart. The only ring that holds it together is thinking that besides anxiety my mental health is great.

I eat and watch my show. At 10:30 I fill my water in the bathroom, standing in the spot where I had my breakdown yesterday. It's weird how feelings and emotions change so drastically, so quickly. I head back to bed and decide to switch from my show to tiktok. about an hour later I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm normally a night owl but last night drained me and sewing also took a lot of energy. I take my meds and put in an earbud. I decide to listen to music and try to sleep on my own before I decide if I need ask my mom to come in. I'm short of breath, which is normal for me but it's always still nerve wracking, which is one of the reasons I have my mom sleep in here.

But I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep almost instantly. For the first time in months. I feel asleep alone and quick. A small step, but a very good one.