the reality of being human

5

I awake to dogs barking at 6am, my head is pounding and it feels like there's a knife in my head, correction:knives

I grab meds, and hear my mom telling my dog to stop barking.

I feel back asleep after about 20 minutes of excruciating pain. It's funny when you have a chronic illness. You suffer through such intense, agonizing pain and doctors shrug it off as a "symptom" like somehow because it's caused by a chronic illness it hurts less? we should just deal with it? If any healthy person felt the pain I'd currently feeling they would of been at the ER. But nope, we're left to deal with it on our own.

The rest of the day was a blur, naps mixed with medicine, pain, ice packs, lots of water and YouTube.

Around 7 I woke up from a nap and my mom had gotten thai food, my favorite. I devoured it in bed and watched Netflix until around 9, when she brought me a slice of chocolate cake from the best bakery ever.

It's days like these that are so hard but also I'm so grateful for. I hate that I waste my days away in bed and had an awful migraine but I'm so grateful for my parents.

When I first got diagnosed, on bad days I would hear my brother and his friends playing video games, and while sometimes it was annoying, sometimes it made me sad since I wish I could be with friends whenever I wanted, but secretly it always made me happy. Hearing my brother and his friends yelling and laughing made me feel like I was apart of something.

But now,
The house is so quiet. My brother moved out 5 years ago, and even now I miss having him here. We weren't very close but still decently close, ever since he moved out we don't talk at all except when he visits one or we visits him which is only like 2-3 times a year. It breaks my heart. If I were to text him and say "hey, haven't talked in a while, how are you? he'd probably just say "good" he's never been a good texter, and I haven't either, which is why are relationship fell apart when he moved out. I miss him screaming at the tv, and I miss hearing him and his friends yelling and laughing. 2 of them I considered to be brothers, they were always here. And now I haven't seen them in 5 years. I'm younger than them so we never texted or kept in contact unless they were at my house with my brother. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I was closer to them, I wish I didn't grow up so fast, I wish I could go back in time, I wish I could stop crying while writing this, I wish they were like my brothers again. My brother graduates college this year and he's moving to another country. Meaning I'll only see him maybe once a year and I just hate that we've grown apart like this. When we do visit we get along well, fighting like siblings, making jokes, playing games and him constantly embarrassing me.

I haven't seen my only older cousin in 4 years, he's 3 years older and in different countries and states every week. Because of our age gap we never really hung out, him and my brother did. So I also don't talk to him unless we see each other, which in this case was 4 years ago. Again I wish I was closer to him, I wish I was friends with my family. I don't have his number but even if I did if I texted him out of blue it would be weird. My other cousins are younger and I haven't seen 2 of them in about 4 years and the other in about 2.5 years. They're alll becoming teens now which I hate. I wish I visited them more when they were younger because we would play for hours, and would become attached to me and my brother when we visited. But now their older and don't really play or anything.

I know this is life, I know people grow up and grow apart. I know I should stop living in the past. But my life would be so much better if I could change these things. If I had those connections. And now it's too late. Everyone's grown up and moved out so even if we visit family either my brother isn't there, or any relatives who moved out aren't there. So it's just me my parents and grown ups. Which I love, I just wish I was closer with my relatives that are near my age. I wish I had that support.