the reality of being human

6

Today was a hard one. I woke up numb, wanting to be alone but slowly it changed to depression. I avoided talking to my family and could barely read or play games or even scroll tiktok because my mind was racing.

I want to be loved. I want to meet new people, make new friends and fall in love. But I am a burden, and also a people pleaser. Meaning I'll go out of my way to make other's lives easier, which means not adding any burdens, not adding myself to their lives.

Yes there are things about me I think people could love. Things I look for in other people that I see in myself. I am the most loyal and caring person you will ever meet, I'm the one who bakes cakes for birthdays, spends hours picking out gifts and wrapping paper, the one who brings flowers to my mom randomly, the one who pays for my friends because I love them, I'm passionate, I love harder than anyone I've met, I'm a hard worker, I go out of my way to make others smile, I'm trustworthy, I help everyone including animals, I'm good with kids, I'll spot people money or food no questions asked, I say I love you before anyone I know leaves or ends a call, but I'm broken. I'm sick, I'm unreliable because of my illness, I get depressed, I have panic attacks, I have anxiety, it's hard to trust people fully, I hate my body, I hate my face and I hate that all of the good things about me are hidden under the bad.

It's hard for me to make new friends, because if you have to cancel or reschedule the other person doesn't know all the good, they just see the bad, so they don't have a reason to reschedule. It's hard for me to get close enough to people for them to see the good, because they have to get passed the fact I'm sick, and that's hard for people to do.

I've never had someone love me. Because even if a guy got passed all the bad, and saw the good, Why would they pick me? There are other girls who have all the good, who could make them just as happy as I would, and aren't broken.

There's lots of fish in the sea, so why would they pick the sick one? why wouldn't they pick one that's healthy and makes them happy?

And if they did pick me, I don't know if I could let them. Why would I let the person I love add a burden to their life? If I love them I want them to be happy, and they would be happier without a burden, without me.

~

I don't know how to keep doing this. How to keep hitting what I think is rock bottom only to fall another 100 feet two weeks later. I want this to be a turning point, but how can I turn when my anxiety is like a sand bag weighing me down. When I can't get out of bed. I can't turn my life around because my chronic illnesses and anxiety are blocking me. I need to help them to fix this. I need to fix this but I can't.

I've done everything. I've tried. I'm trying my fucking hardest but I can't get better. I'm watching everyone else move in with their life while I'm stuck. I feel like I'm trapped in a glass box watching everyone I know happily run away.

Each day is the same. I thought I had an appointment a week ago but it turns out it was almost 2 months ago. I've lost all concept of time, the days blur together. Sleep at 1am, wake up at 10, have a migraine, eat, take meds, read, tv, eat, meds, pain, sleep. I don't know how to stop this loop but I need to fucking figure it out. I need time to get better but I don't have time, it's slipping away.

Each day is the same, eat day eats at me, each day I fall further and the rope that was supposed to pull me back up ripped months ago.