the reality of being human

7

there was a night in my dorm where everything had gone wrong, I was extremely overwhelmed, sick, anxious and was alone in my dorm while my roommate was out with friends. I just felt like I had no one. I was trying to hold onto the good and things to look forward to, but there was no events planned and nothing to look forward to, except going home but thinking about that made everything worse because I couldn't go home for a while.

I tried to distract myself on tiktok, that's when I found a clip of the song called Sleep Deprivation by Chance Peña. The song hadn't been released but there was a clip of it posted on his account

So when I break down I list off the reasons
I'm here and I'm still breathing oh
I'm hanging on
Try to break ground, make way for tomorrow
I'll find a way through the sorrow

So thats what I did. Even if I couldn't think of events to look forward to, I listed things I did love. My list ended up being longer than expected

my mom, my dad, my sibling, jane(best friend), other 3 close friends, my pets, sunsets, breakfast, ice cream, crystals, fall, chai tea, cookies, baking, cozy blankets, bonfires, beaches, forests, french fries, concerts, Trader Joe's, fresh flowers, animals, fuzzy socks, art, late night drives, laughing, plants, holidays, doing makeup, crafts, music, Taylor swift, gracie abrams....
my list went on with a few more tiny things and then switched to feelings

love, hope, romance, peace, friendship, care, gratitude, even if these were things I wasn't feeling like I had at the moment I wanted to experience them in the future

the list showed me there were good things in my life, even if right now the bad ones outweighed the good ones, the good was still there. the tiny things I took for granted were good. It was there I just needed to switch my mindset.

And those feelings I was missing the things I wanted to had I would have in the future, and I needed to be patient.

It helped, but not as much as I wished it did. I helped enough to stop the breakdown, shower and brush my teeth. But as I did those things I listened to the song on repeat. After I was back in my room it changed from feeling almost neutral to angry. I've been patient for 19 years, 19 years hoping to feel love, to be loved fully and it hasn't happened. Yes there have been good things, amazing things. But at this moment I needed more then knowing they'll be in my future. I needed a timeline, I needed to know when it will happen.

Everyone tells me "everything happens for a reason" what the fuck is the reason? there is no reason a 19 year old should live in a body that's broken. No reason a person should have to live chronically ill. No reason someone should have to list out reasons they're alive.

that night was a breaking point, not a turning point. I wish that had been rock bottom, because in that moment I thought that was the worse it could get. it made me realize something needed to change, but what needed to change was out of my control. I was in therapy, I was on meds, I was treating my chronic illness, I was taking 20 meds a day for it, I was doing treatments to myself that make me so sick my parents thought I was dying, god damn it I was fucking trying. I was trying. I was doing every single thing I could to change and I couldn't. My life wasn't in my hands, this is my life and I can't control it. I have to live my life from the passengers seat. I have to stab myself with needles just to be told there's nothing they can do. Just for people online to tell me it was all in my head. For friends to leave because I had to cancel to often. For me to not be able to make new friends because I would have to cancel, and there's no reason for someone to want to reschedule when they don't know you yet. For no guys to ever want me, even though if they did I wouldn't be willing to put that burden on them. To let them have that burden, to let them have me. For my life to not be mine. My life to be out of my hands, to have no control.

I am the burden in my own life.