Conduct Me (Lydia Tár X Reader)

19

I love you.

I blurted out, lydia was busy stroking my waist with her thumb then she stopped, just when i dropped the big bomb on her, my heart started to race and i quickly got up and wrapped something around my naked figure, i combed my hair out the way and made sure it wasn't bothering me, i felt so nervous to what her reaction would be, it could maybe even lead up to silent treatment, i faced the windows in the living room and started biting down on my thumb

"Fuck"

I mumbled under my breath, for a minute i heard nothing, lydia wasn't moving or saying anything, i turned to face lydia who has sat down now and had her back resting against the bed frame

"Say something"

I whispered, she just got up to her button up shirt and picked it up throwing it on herself, i sat down on the couch and started fumbling with the peice of fabric i had wrapped around me, i couldn't bare looking at lydia, this was such an embarrassing moment, to just confess my love towards some one twice older then me, married and is my fucking teacher made it worse, i watched as lydia was dressing herself up and right after she was done, she walked up to me, sitting on the couch that was facing mine, she leaned forward spreading her legs and allowing her hands intersect in the center, she tried finding my eyes, but i was lost in that moment, ever since i lost my family i was incapable of expressing my love towards anyone, but just when i could and my wound had started healing and that horrible feeling that has always kept me guilty, was finally gone cause of lydia and the love i felt towards her, it all went down the drain when lydia stayed quiet

"Look at me"

She ordered with her deep voice

"That will make things worse-"

I shook my head and answered with a shaky tone that sounded as if im on the verge of allowing a pool of tears to emerge on sight at any given moment

"I cant-"

My eyes that have been filling up within every passing second have finally filled up and caused a tear drop to land on my leather couch, wich caused lydia to now abandon her current position and get on her knees facing the couch i was seated on, she took both her palms and placed them on each sides of my cheeks bringing my face to hers

"Hey, none of this y/n"

She wiped my tears away with her thumbs

"I have not been capable of expressing my love towards any human, for many years now lydia, i have kept myself locked up with piled up guilt i have felt ever since my family passed and the emptiness of it all, but then you came along, my empty hopeless life finally had meaning, but just when i decide to confess my love towards you, i get no response and a tap on the back telling me to suck it up!?"

Rage was just around the corner, i wanted lydia to atleast show emotion, i wanted her to say something, but she wouldn't

"Y/n, i dont want to hurt you, look at me for fuck sake"

She now eases the tension that once was floating in the air freely

"your love towards me is something im willing to treasure till the end of time but im only gonna hurt you"

She pauses

"No lydia, i dont care, hurt me, if being with you means you hurting me, im willing to take it, i just-"

She stops me

"Enough"

She whispers

"You love me, i get it, but"

She trails off leaving it a mystery to what her next sentence would be

"It will pass"

She lets out, my eyes were now filling up once again,my heart thumping loudly against my chest

"Lydia, no, it wont, dont you get it, i dont want to ever wake up without you being next to me, without your warm embrace taking me in every morning, without your blue orbs greeting me every sunrise, i dont want you away from me"

I managed to form my sentence

"Y/n, it will pass-"

I stopped her

"When you and Sharon fell in love and i don't know who the fuck confessed first, did you say it will pass to her aswell or is it just me?"

I had made my point and it was Lydia's turn to give me a response to the point i had just made, but she stayed quiet and just when i was about to get up and ask her to leave and never come back into my life she spoke up

"Y/n, i really do want you, but i will only hurt you, i dont want to hurt you, its cause-"

She paused and looked at my thighs then back up at me and sighed

"Its cause i love you to y/n, but i don't want to let you in just for me to hurt you, your currently and i think forever will be my most prized possession, i always want you with me-"

She paused again

"But?"

My face says it all, i cant describe how heartbroken i felt and how embarrassed to be put in such position

"I need to leave you be, before i end up hurting you"

She got up from her seat and walked up to her keys and didn't look back, she just left me, a tear started slowly rolling down my cheek, reality finally kicked in, i should have kept my expectations low, dumb fucking y/n, always expecting the best, living in your imaginary world, fucking idiot

I got up and collapsed on the bed, i wrapped my figure in the sheets and fell asleep, the next day i woke up at noon cause of the wave of depression that hit me the other night, i managed to stay in bed longer then usual, i only got up to use the toilet or drink some water, i then decided to get up and do something productive and take my mind off the most recent events that went down, i quickly got out of my clothes and got myself into a green gym set, i grabbed a water bottle and left my penthouse, the gym was empty once again, i looked around and took in a deep breath, i had no idea where to start, so i dropped my things and ran to towards the punching bags directions, i  did not wait a split second before my knuckles collided with the hard bag, i kept on punching it none stop, causing them to become redder and redder after every single hit, the pain was comforting and the anger inside was slowly leaving my body, i could not help but replay that very moment where lydia walked out my pent house without looking back, she seemed so made up with her decision, thats what angered me most, tears started rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably, i finally stopped punching and glanced at my fists, blood was dripping down my fists and the scenery was not looking good, i quickly sprinted back to my pent house and soaked my knuckles under water before they had the slightest opportunity of infection, i started sobbing while rinsing them, a few minutes after that happened i walked over to my phone, just to see a bunch of messages from john and three messages from Lydia, i just wanted to disappear that second, run away, loose contact with everyone, so i powered off my phone and walked into the kitchen to attempt finding my first aid kit to wrap up my knuckles, i finally had eyes on the kit, i grabbed it placing it on the kitchen counter and allowing my free hand to wrap the bandage around my left hands knuckles, i sniffled a couple of times to avoid the silence of my very own huge space, once i was done wrapping both my knuckles, i put away the kit and got back into my bed, i managed falling asleep once again due to my unproductive day, but then i woke up just to glance at the time and see, its 7:00 pm, i have done nothing since yesterday night, i have never done this to myself, but thats how lydia has me feeling.