The complications of life - Loneliness

She looked into the mirror, as the tears came down. What she saw was horrifying. She saw rolls of fat on her body, thighs with no gaps, no visible hipbones nor collar bones. All she saw was fat. In her hands she held a tiny silver metal razor. Oh how beautiful it looked in the mirror, how nice it would feel dragged across her skin, but just as she was about to drag it across, there was a loud knock on the door. And she awoke.

 Panting, and breathing harder and harder every second, Lauren Martinez tries to collect herself. "Why do I always have these dreams everyday? Why do I always get taunted by those demons.. voices in me? Why me?" she cried as she fell to the floor breaking down. How much more could I handle, I thought.

I get up, turn sideways and look into the mirror. As usual, the dreams were accurate. All I saw were rolls of fat. I walked to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. I saw the number 85 but then, things went blurry, and when I gained sight, I stepped off. I'm still not skinny enough, and I never will. I get dressed i my usual outfit. Black skinnies, and a black tee. My whole closet contained of black tightsor jeans with different designs, black tee's, and hoodies. I put on my converse, and straighten my hair. My long light brown hair, with the length almost to my waste.

Then it hit me, this weekend was the weekend. The weekend I've been waiting for. The one where I finally turn 17. They age where my parents step back, and let me do whatever. This weekend, I was going to go get my ends dip-dyed black, with blonde peekaboo highlights. I was going to go get snake bites, then get my first tattoo on my wrist. I'm going to get the word fighter, in cursive, all in black and small on my left wrist. That will be the permanent mark of the war that has only just begun.

I grab my ipod and run downstairs, quickly grabbing my keys, backpack and jacket before my mother called me for breakfast. Hopefully I'll get to sneak out, and go for a jog. But there she sat, with her coffee and toast staring at me. She looked at me carefully as if she was there the whole time waiting. "Good morning Lauren, what would you like for breakfast?" Well crap. There goes my 24 hour fast. "Uhm.. how about a slice of toast?" I reply. Hopefully she'll leave soon so I can throw it out, and leave as quick as possible. "Here" mom replied, as she hands me the plate of bread, and the butter. "I'm going to go get ready for work, before you leave could you clean up?" mom asks, as she heads upstairs. "Of course, have a nice day, love you." I say reasuring her that everything was alright.

So I start, first I do the dishes, and pour out the orange juice she poured for me. Secondly I throw out that slice of toast, and put away the butter. I grab a bottle of water o my way to the door, right when my older sister Delilah stops me. She was only a year older than me, yet she treats me like a bitch. "Leaving so soon Lauren?" she asks, having a tight grip on the door handle. "Yeahh, I'm going to catch the early bus so I can have a little longer to study my.. history for our exam next week." I answer trying to squeeze my way through. Surprisingly, she lets me through this time. "Well bye." I say heading outside, I walk outside letting the breeze hit me, and walk down the stairs of our porch, looking back once to find Delilah was still staring at me. What was it with her?

When I reach the end of the street, I began to pick up a faster pace. Soon enough, I find myself running. I don't know how long I'll be running, or to where just yet. But I run, and I must say the feeling of running on a full stomach is amazing. I run and I run, till finally, I'm just to tired to run anymore. I put in my earphones and I blast Paramore as loud as I could, as I walked under my favourite big tree, and just lay there. Resting.. Resting until I feel like it's time to get up and do something, because at this point, I'm too unmotivated to move.

When I wake up, for the second time today, I check the time on my ipod. It was only 6am?! What time did I get ready this morning?? Did I not even check the time?? Well that explains why my mom was downstairs this morning. She is usually up for her 6am coffee, and that explains why my sister was staring at me weirdly, who else would get up that early for school, even if I did have to study? I check my wallet, yuup there was a beautiful $20 my mom slipped in. Haha funny her, I'm not going to eat lunch, so I might as well spend it on a pair of Paramore tickets, maybe new clothes, or a new pair of converse. For a long time, I sat there and just thought. What did I really want? An idea bloomed to my mind, I got up and I ran again. There was the motivation I needed.

I ran over to my bestfriend Natalie's house. We were both alike. In everything, lifestyles, tastes in music, family issues. So it was totally cool to say things like my 24 hour fast around her without her freaking out. I'm not in her backhard, climbing that rope we left outside her window, and climb into her room, I see lights on, and here her humming, so everything's normal. I knock on her bathroom door, "Hey Nat! I've got got some great news! So hurry the hell up!" I say, leaving a slight crack of her door open, and go over to her desk, sit and wait.

After 5 minuets she finally comes out. She's dressed similar to me, only she's got a little brightness to her clothes. But then again, her family still thinks she's normal, while mine know about this stuff. Or at least what happened before. They thought it all stopped, silly them. "Well... what's so important that you're here at 6:30am?!" Natalie questions me as she waits impatiently. "So I've got $20 and if I remember correctly, that was just the amount we needed to get us both in to that.. you know.. bar this weekend." I say. "OH MY GOSH!! Seriously?! I've been waiting for this all year, finally we've got enough, and you're turning 17 this weekend, we're finally old enought too." she exclaims. "Yuup, we'll head off after I'm done with my hair, piercings, and tattoo." I remind her. "Ohh yeah, you finally get your 'parents free' life after. You still want me to come with?" Natalie asks. "Of course I do, I mean I came to yours, so you're coming to mine!" I say, and begin the whole phase of fangirling with her.

When Natalie turned 17 a couple months ago, she finally got her parents free life. She went and got a nose and belly botton piercing, dip-dyed her long blonde hair green, and got a tattoo on her waist saying "One day I will be skinny". It was her oath that day, to fulfill her commitment, and there was her contract to keep that promise she made. But I really do worry about her. Her parents don't even know about her depression, eating disorder, suicidal side, tattoo, or her battle with self-harm. They have no idea what's on with her daughter, and if they don't soon, I'm scared to death she might leave me. She needs help, she just won't get it. And every time I bring it up, she'll deny and say "well what about you huh? Hypocrite." We have these mini fights all the time, but mostly because i started them. I just, gave up on myself already, and want the best for her. I don't want her to become a fulltime monster like me. I just want her happy again.

I grab my stuff and climb out the window, saying goodbye to Natalie and saying we'll meet up at the library at 7:15. It was now 6:45, which means I have half an hour to myself, to do whatever it is I wanted to. So, I ran to school. The feeling of burning those calories, and having an empty stomach makes me feel amazing. I reach the school in no time and walk half way to my locker, as it hits me then. I'm feeling so lightheaded right now, I can barely move, I grab my water out and drink some, then sit down for a while, but this time I really can't get up. I cry out for help, but I can barely let out a sound. I lay there, helplessly on the ground, as my eyes shut.