The Church Girl and Di Drumma Bwoy

16.Smiling Again

Akayla's POV

It's been a week since the whole incident had happened and it still feels like yesterday.

I can still feel his hands roaming over my body,his head in the crook of my neck,his strong scent of marijuana and I can still hear his harsh words towards me.

After I passed out I don't know exactly what happened. The only thing I remembered was hearing muffled sounds and then I was suddenly in a hospital.

When I woke up I felt disgusted at myself,exposed and unclean. I felt as if I was lost in a whole different world. I was feeling all these ways until the doctor confirmed that I wasn't raped.

But still...I didn't feel right.

Maybe because I've never been touched in such ways.

I remember the nurses trying to ask me several questions about how I was feeling physically but I didn't answer any of them. I couldn't speak for some reason,the words just couldn't form.

My mind instantly ran on Amani and I was wondering were he was. He didn't look for me any of the days that I was in the hospital.

He never called.

He never texted.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Why?

Was he disgusted by me?

Was he disappointed that I didn't try any harder to defend myself?

Or is he too guilty to face me?

Guilty because he wasn't there to help.

I remember laying flat on my back and staring in the ceiling as tears rolled down the sides of my face and many thoughts ran through my mind.

Look how mi coulda dead lef mi family.
Lef mi mada,mi fada,mi bredda.

What was I thinking going into a restaurant by myself?

Why am I so unlucky?

Why did God do this to me?

What was he showing me?That Amani isn't good enough?

I know I wasn't raped but why would God allow anything close to that to happen to me?

Was it a test?

Was he teaching me a lesson?

I feel like I'm going mad.

I don't want to be alive right now.

I don't want to see or talk to anyone even though my mom has been constantly checking up on me ever since they had arrived back last week after getting the news.

I do say a few words here and there but I don't have the energy to have a full blown conversation or even a simple sentence.

I haven't even read my Bible since last week. I didn't even go to church on Saturday. I tried praying but I don't know what to say.

What is there to say?

I'm tired and I need a break.

I need to get away from this place,this earth,I want to go home now!

I can't do this anymore,I don't want to do this anymore.

Please Kayla,let's not go back to this mindset,my subconscious mind said.

But what if I want to?

What if this is actually the way I die?

As I continued banging my head harshly on my bed head there's just one question that continues to play on my mind.