Survivor's Remorse

(II) Fight or Flight? Morphling...

How could I?

Peeta didn't look scared but that didn't make this ok. He's a guy, of course his body would react on instinct. I had no right. I immediately bolt from the bed before he can grab me with those powerful hands of his.  Always trying to hold me together and I'd violated him.

"I'm so sorry", I gasped fighting my tears of disgust.
"Sweetness, you did nothing wrong", he called in that honey sweet baritone. 

I must have looked as feral as I did when I was coming off of the trackerjacker venom during my post-torture rescue. He only ever used that tone with me when I was about to lose my shit. 

"I just assaulted you Peeta!"
"No. You were sleeping you-"
"Exactly! Just like what Marvel did to me! You were unconscious!"
"It's not the same", he tried softly. "You know how I feel about you. Marvel had no right to touch you!"

I forgot how wild the mention of Marvel made Peeta. I'd never watched our games, no intentions on seeing myself suffer in HD when it never left my nightmares. Marvel was the only tribute that Peeta had killed but I'd been unconscious when it happened. I'd woken up 3 days later latched onto Peeta like a tick, refusing to let go. No panties or shirt under my jacket and jeans but very sore. Marvel was nowhere in sight but, there was blood on the left wall of the cave. Peeta told me he'd gotten to me in time but with the soreness I had? It was clearly to keep what little sanity I'd had left intact. I allowed them to think I'd believed the lie. 

It took what little good I had left in me. Forever taking what little hope I had to be with Peeta away.

"I was unconscious. So were you. Unconscious people can't say no", I snarled taking another step backwards.
"It's not the same. I invited you into my bed. I lov-"
"Stop it!" I screeched bolting from the room.

I can hear Peeta scrambling to get together to come behind me but I've always been faster. And I cared little for pants anyway. I darted out the window and took off to the forest. It'd grown much lusher since the districts can come and go between each other. It was warm out even with night still reigning. I needed to hurt something so I didn't hurt myself. Going to my hollowed-out trunk I bypassed the bow today, needing more personal methods of killing tonight. 

I stayed out until the sky began to turn Peeta's favorite colors. Taking that as my sign to head back with my haul. I left half of my kill in the ice cooler in the now updated shed out here that the hunters have asked my permission to utilize. They can carry the heavy buck back to town themselves. I'd skinned it. They can do the rest. 

After taking a bath in the pond I finally trekked back to the Victors Village, peeking around the homes to make sure Peeta wasn't in sight. When the coast was clear I slid into the side window of Haymitch's living room and started a fire, depositing my kill in the sink. He was fast asleep in one of the armchairs in front of the fire with a cup beside him. I fumbled through the middle cabinet in the back compartment for my secret stash. Found em! I grabbed three of the bottles of the clear liquid and plopped down on the loveseat in front of the fire. 

"Want some pants there sweetheart?", he chuckles with a stretch that makes his bones pop loudly.
"No. But I'll take a blanket"

He removed the black fuzzy blanket from the chair that Peeta usually sits in and draped it over my legs since I was sitting Indian-style on the couch staring into the flames. The smell of his cinnamon wafted into my nostrils hitting me with another wave of guilt. 

"You know he was here looking for you last night, right?"
"I'm sure", I grimace swallowing 1/3 of the first bottle in one swig. 

I understood why Haymitch used to drown himself daily to numb the memories. I quite liked the burn of alcohol myself and the dreamy state that I felt when it hit.