Survivor's Remorse

(VI) The Train

"Shit"
"Yeah. I'm really sorry about that by the way. About you. I didn't mean-"
"It's fine. I know it wasn't personal" he waves his hand dismissively before clearing his throat. "I asked Annie about what it was like, once. She told me that after her first day she really didn't know. She could hear you talking sometimes but mainly just, screaming. Told me that after they dragged her past you the first day, you didn't stop screaming for a week. Annie said that they never came back for her after that day though"
"That..." I hesitate but don't want to lie to him "It's true"
"Shit"
"Yeah"
"Have you ever really talked about it?"
"No"
"Do you want to?"
"No. I don't want to think" I admit shaking my dizzy head as I sucked on the sugar cube

Finnick pulls a string from his pocket and drops it into my hands, showing me some complicated loops.

"I could teach you some knots? We'd have to take these off though"

He taps at my nail guards and I swallow the rest of the sugar in my mouth before pulling them securely to my chest with a shake of the head.

"I don't want to hurt you" I breathe
"You won't" He chuckles while deftly unlocking them
"How do you-?"
"Who do you think helps Beetee design your mouthguards and cuffs while Cinna's in recovery?"

My eyes widen and I grin at him. I should've known. The few memories I have, Finnick'd always treated me like a little sister in. He made me remember that we all grew up too soon. I had real fun with Finnick. I remember being on the sand, scaring Peeta awake, dancing around a bonfire and learning songs of the sea. I squeeze my eyes shut in pain as jolts of electricity rattle my spine. I clench my teeth and focus on one spot in front of me, unfortunately everyone seems to be focused on Finnick and me, also curious about my Torture Tales. Or maybe the fact that I'm gripping his hand tightly in my sharp nailed one. It doesn't seem like I'm hurting him though, and I need a firm grip on reality right now.

"The Quarter Quell. We...you and I...we" I choke trying to fight through the immeasurable pain it brings me to speak about the Quell, let alone think about it.

This overpowering fear made me convulse as if I was being shocked with cattle prods again. They stayed with me until he released my hand, his arm wrapping around my shoulders to keep me together. Finnick gives me a reassuring squeeze and it helps lessen the shaking some more.

"That's it. What did we do?" he coaxes gently

I don't like how Peeta's eyes bore into my face, his body screaming he wants me to answer too. Why? If I actually had done something with Finnick, why should he care? He loved Katniss. Right?

The sand is burning, I can see hands reaching out the water towards me, blood dripping from the eyes at the center of their palms. Even the moonlight hurts my eyes.

"It's scary here Finn" I sigh tiredly
"I'm not leaving ya. Just like I didn't than"

I take another shaky breath before pushing on, absorbing his strength at my side to keep going.

"We had...fun. I felt like a kid again with you. We played a joke on Peeta. It...it made me feel so good to see him laugh. Really laugh. Why?" I hiss angrily feeling the venom bubble in my mouth unbidden from aggression I didn't understand.

Ugh not now.

I'm not a monster! I spit the purple venom onto the ground at my feet and bite down on my arm hard. Well, that's new. This is the first time it's been purple. Just what else did they do to my canine ducts? My back goes rigid, pain licking every cell of my body, head thrown back as I choke on a scream of terror. I faintly hear commands being shouted before my vision goes black.