Survivor's Remorse

(XII)Tiger Stripes

"Hmmm, I wonder where my goldfish could have possibly gone?" I sing loudly, as I poke my head around another cupboard in the hall

Then I hear his adorable, twinkling giggle. Above me. Up the stairs. No. 

Goldfish I told you never up there.

Please.

"I hope he didn't swim upstream" I try to laugh, ignoring my shaking hands

He giggles again and I hear his tiny feet dart farther away. He is upstairs. I should have explained this better. He was smart. Finnick and Annie were very honest with Lucas when he asked questions about our pasts. I never explained to him just why upstairs was off limits. He was only being a child. I had to get him down from there. We could talk after.

I fling my body up the stairs and try to steady my tortured heavy pants as my eyes dart around the God forsaken corridor. Only one door is cracked.

At the end of the hall.

My enhanced smell can pick up the faint scent of roses from here and I have to swallow the bile that tries to force its way up my throat. Every step closer makes me want to scream but, I have to get him out the room. My little, bright, innocent goldfish. Then that overwhelming protective instinct I felt on stage takes over me again. I throw myself down the hall and through the door.

"Goldfish? Lucas!" I scream desperately, as my eyes dart around for him. "Love where are you? You can't be in here!"
"Look, Momma Fox I found a secret passage!"

My body whips around in terror. He's beaming up at me from the cracked door hidden behind the bookcase. No, he can't go inside! I roll over the desk in a frenzy, knocking everything on it to the floor and slide in front of him, my body blocking his view as I get eye level with him. There's a red haze on the edges of my vision, but his golden hair and wide, emerald-blue eyes keep me focused.

"You're such a good boy Lucas" I choke, cupping his cheeks in my hands.
"You ok? You look scared Momma Fox" he whispers
"I'm fine baby. But I need you to do me a big favor ok?"
"Yup! Anything"
"Can you go downstairs and get your Papa for me?"
"Kay! I'll go get Papa and Mama for you" he smiles
"No! Not Mama! I just need Papa, my sweet Goldfish" I tack on, not wanting to upset him, but the fear was rapidly creeping up my spine. "Only Papa. Don't tell Auntie Jo either ok? This is a bad room. Only Papa, promise me?"

I can see the bloody sheet in the corner of my left eye and the red haze gets bigger, the terror making venom well in my mouth. I swallow hard and hold Lucas' eyes, willing him to understand the gravity of the promise.

"Only Papa. I promise" he nods
"That's my smart, amazing Goldfish" I smile at him "Hurry"

I kiss his nose and he grabs my face, his eyes holding mine as if seeing through me for a moment, before he kisses my forehead. I spin him around and give his upper back a little shove.

"That's my big, amazing, smart boy" I encourage as his little feet take off

Once he's gone, I spin back to my full height and take in the horrific room. I remember this heinous place. They must have left Snow's office alone, as some kind of reminder of the Hunger Days, which meant nobody cleaned this blood-stained room.

Mine and Johanna's blood.

Everywhere.

In front of me is a wheelchair, the straps tightly bound for some reason. My blood is still on the arms and wheels. With a snarl, I pick it up and hurl it into the one of the cell doors. I was going to tear this place apart, just as it did to me. I let the rage, fear and mutt take over.