In Her Eyes ✔~ trixya

A Mistake You Cannot Undo

Trixie entered their home quietly, the news she had gotten from her doctor's appointment still haunting her mind, and the task of sharing the news with her lover feeling like an impossibility. It had been a week since she was first alerted of the fact that she was likely expecting, and now it had finally been confirmed. There was no more pushing it away, the truth was there and now she needed to figure out how to handle it.

For most such news would be happy, but Trixie knew Katya well, and knew that this was not something the painter saw as part of her plan. Still, a part of her did dare to hope that Katya would welcome the news happily and finally say those three words that Trixie had waited so patiently for.

"Katya?" She called out in a gentle tone of voice.

"Color. Balance. Tension." Trixie heard Katya mumble as she walked closer to the painter's studio after gaining no response.

"Katya, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Composition. Light. Harmony." Katya continued without acknowledging Trixie's presence.

"Can you please listen? I need to talk to you." Trixie said, stepping right beside the other woman.

"Not now, Trixie."

"Please." Trixie asked again.

"I said not now, we'll talk later." Katya said.

"Later? When is later, Katya? You've barely home all week!"

"So? You cannot expect me to always be around to entertain you." Katya replied harshly.

"Entertain me, really? Surely you cannot be serious? Katya, you're never around to do anything of the sort. You never honor a single promise of taking me out! I'm left to go everywhere on my own despite begging you to come with me, meanwhile you head out alone without even thinking to alert me of your whereabouts!" Trixie yelled.

"Why should I alert you? You should know better than to think anything harmful of it. You should know if you trust me!" Katya argued as she stood up to face the other woman.

"I did trust you! But trust is earned, and you have not earned mine in ages, Katya! Even now, I'm standing here, telling you that i have something important to speak to you about, I am begging for you to listen, and you are turning me away for the sake of your art once again! How does that instil trust?"

"I need to finish! I don't know why that is so difficult for you to understand? Why must you always demand so much of me?" Katya replied. 

"God... I never asked for much, Katya, you've simply convinced yourself that I have." Trixie said in a defeated tone. "I only ever asked for your loyalty and care, and on occasion your attention, that is all. Is it really so difficult for you to give me that?"

"I am loyal!"

"Well, perhaps you should work harder on showing it! Do you know what people are saying? They say you've taken another woman!" Trixie yelled, feeling tears threatening to spill.

"People say a lot of things! I told you long ago I could not give you a protected life in society, you knew what choice you were making." Katya argued, feeling a tinge of disappointment run through her as she realized that even Trixie could not stand tall against the pressure and gossip of high society.

"And I never expected more! But Katya, you must see that your actions make me a fool! Your choices of late... they make me into some pathetic girl who gives you their everything for nothing..."

"Trixie-"

"Who was at the zoo, Katya? Why is it you've gone there again and again? Who did you leave our bed to meet?" Trixie interrupted, hurt shining in her eyes.

"No one! There were monkeys at the zoo, and exotic birds, I wished to paint them! I needed them to complete my painting."

"Monkeys? You've pushed me away, made me a fool... a laughing stock... for the sake of painting monkeys?" Trixie asked in disbelief.

"It was important. The light... the light was ideal." Katya mumbled. Once again feeling disappointment run through her because Trixie, just like everyone else, did not understand why such things were important. Why such things could feel like life or death for Katya.

"The light? You work in darkness all the time, you work through the night, and yet the monkeys and the birds made you come out of your cave?! You couldn't go to the theatre with me, couldn't spare my thoughts and concerns even a minute of your time, but you could rise up out of bed at dawn for them?!"

"Yes, because I needed to finish the painting! This, this is who I am, Trixie., You know this is who I am! Why do you insist on making me into something different?"

"Why do you insist on pushing me away?" Trixie asked, tears now streaming down her cheeks. 

"Because I cannot be what you wish me to be!" Katya suddenly yelled before breathing deeply and turning away from the woman. "I must work..."

"Ah yes, Katya, run to your work, hide behind your paintings! God forbid you should let anyone see that you have true feelings!"

"I am not afraid to let people see! I always show my feelings, I show them in my work! I thought you knew that by now..." Katya argued, a part of her still trying to make Trixie understand things which she truly had no reason to understand. "You are in this painting, Trixie, as you are in all of them!"

"How does that help anything?! I do not wish to be remembered as some figure on a canvas, Katya! I do not wish to be known as just your muse! I refuse to just be something you can use as a tool for you art!" Trixie cried. 

"I thought you understood!" Katya yelled in frustration.

"It's because I understand that I am saying this! And it's because I understand that I know now that I must leave." Trixie told the painter, her heart breaking at the realization. "I cannot stay with you any longer."

"Well, then there's nothing I can say, is there?"

"God... Of course there is! Tell me not to go! Tell me you wish for me to stay by your side. Tell me you will listen. Tell me what you feel, what you truly feel for me." Trixie begged.

"What I feel? Trixie, you know exactly what I feel. So why do you insist you must hear words that you know I cannot give you? I... I cannot be what you want..."

"Is that really all you have to say?" Trixie asked.

"There is nothing more to say."

"Then there is nothing here to save, clearly we do not belong together." Trixie said, walking towards the door and grabbing her valuables. "I will send someone for my things, but I will not come back after this, Katya. I hope you realize that. And I hope you one day realize what a terrible mistake you've made."

"Trixie, I.." Katya started, but her voice soon faded.

"You what?"

"Nothing."

"Alright then." Trixie replied in a defeated tone. "Goodbye Katya."