In Her Eyes ✔~ trixya

The Woman Willing To Wait

"Katya?" A familiar voice called from the door followed by loud knocking.

"It is open!" She called back, nodding to herself as she heard the door open moments later.

"Katya, darling, have you opened a window lately?"

"Hello to you too, mother. Whatever you are here for, it must wait, I need to finish the hat." Katya said as she stared at the hat which was worn by the woman on her canvas who so resembled her former lover, despite her greatest efforts to avoid it.

"Darling, you cannot stay inside for the rest of your days. You need sunlight. The park is lovely today, why not go for a stroll?" Her mother pleaded.

"I have no wish to see the park." Katya said.

The park.

Her beloved park.

Oh, how it had been clouded by the loss of the woman whom she had so often painted there.

"Katya, I think if you would only go you would see that there is still hope for you and-"

"Mother, I will not have this discussion again." Katya interrupted her.

"She looks for you, Katya... every Sunday still, she looks for you. At the zoo, at the park, her eyes are always searching for you. She does not admit it, likely never would, but it is clear she misses you."

"I very much doubt that what you say is true, but if it is then fine. Good. Let her look for me." The painter said in a bitter tone.

"Katya..."

"No, let her look for me. She left me, mother, not the other way around!"

"She left because of your actions!" Her mother argued.

"No, she left because she couldn't understand. She left just as I always knew she eventually would. I was a fool to ever think otherwise."

"Oh Katya... Do you truly not realize that it didn't have to go this way? You could have had the world together if you would just leave all your canvases and sketches for long enough to notice the feelings of those around you. You two... you are meant to be, dearest. It does not have to end like this." Mrs. Zamolodchikova said, her voice filled with care.

"It does... She doesn't understand... No one has ever understood, and truly there is no reason that they should... I'm not certain I myself even understand my own mind sometimes..." Katya said, her voice nearly breaking. "Please just go, leave me be... I wish to be alone."

"Katya, please let's just.."

"No mother, I do not wish to discuss this any further." Katya said clearly.

"That stubbornness of yours will be the death of you, dearest. I only hope you realize it soon enough." Her mother said as she headed towards the door.

"Just go." Katya replied, the bitter tone returning.

Katya went back to her canvas as she heard the door close, but her fingers were unable to pick up the brush as she stared at it, the words of her mother repeating in her mind. Was it worth it? Loosing Trixie for the sake of the trees, and the monkeys, and the birds? Was it so important to spend hours on mapping out the sky until all it's elements were perfectly harmonious? Yes... somehow it was, and yet she couldn't find peace to paint when Trixie was gone.

She had always turned around too late, always realized the consequences only when they arrived and burned her. Now she was faced with the loss of the woman who should've understood, but couldn't. And yet, if Trixie had been willing to wait without offering any type of resistance, Katya was certain she wouldn't have cared for the woman as much as she did. The kind of woman who was willing to wait was not truly the kind of woman Katya would want to find waiting. She needed someone who told her she was staying up too late, staying in too much, disappearing too often... exactly like Trixie had always done.

She wanted to tell herself that none of it was her fault, that she had given all she could give, but she knew Trixie knew better. The woman she loved, the woman who wouldn't wait for her, the woman who made her better, she had realized that a part of Katya would always be with her colors, and so she couldn't ever fully give her all to anyone.

No one understood her better than Trixie, and yet Trixie couldn't understand her like she needed her to. What impossible demands... and yet necessary.

No wonder Trixie had left...
No wonder she was alone...

It was better that way.