In Her Eyes ✔~ trixya

The Road Ahead

It's when we are the most hurt that we are most unable to open our eyes to the joys of our life. The loss of a loved one can be unbearable, and if there is guilt involved then the object of moving on can feel completely impossible. Katya had felt as if she was trapped inside her own body as it carried her with it, her mind clouded by darkness after the loss of her lover.

"I remember when your father used to take you out Sunday mornings, oh how you loved them... Sundays were always your favorite." Mrs. Zamolodchikova commented, staring out at the nearby park where the gruesome accident had taken place a month before.

"It was the only time he found time for me... and then when he learned who I was, he found none at all." Katya mumbled.

"And he was a fool for that. You are still you, as unchanging and uncompromising as ever. It is your strength, but it is also your fault, Katya. You refuse to see when you are in the wrong." Her mother said.

"I know that. I see it now." The painter said solemnly.

"But you're still doing nothing to make amends, Katya."

"There is nothing to do! She's gone!" Katya yelled, tears once again finding their way to her eyes as they had so often since Trixie's death.

"The child lives." Her mother said, trying to reason with her. "Your daughter lives."

"I cannot, I can't take care of her... Trixie was right to pull away from me and make decision to raise the child on her own... She knew how to take care of her, but I don't.... I can't, not when Trixie's not around."

"Of course you can, you just-"

"No! There's no point to anything without her... Without her.. I cannot sleep, or eat, or paint... If only I had realized that sooner... If only I had not been so stubborn... Nothing matters without her, mother." Katya said, feeling that familiar sense of hopelessness once again. "Nothing works without her. Nothing makes sense. I... I do not know how to go on when she is not by my side. All I wish to do is wait for an afterlife where we are together again, where I can finally beg for her forgiveness."

"Oh darling... Katya, death... it's... it can be very elusive, just as elusive as it is concrete. I think hoping for an afterlife is foolish. You know... you know how I feel on the matter, when you die that is the end, you're gone, that's what I believe, what I have always believed. But as much as I believe that, I also know that souls do not just disappear. The souls of the people we love can never truly disappear. They stay with us, always, and watch over us like guardians as we move forward on our own." Her mother said. "Trixie is with you, she always will be. And even more importantly, her child is here. Your child is here. She would have wanted you to care for your daughter, she would have wanted you to shower your child with all the love you could never show her. I'm sure it must be her greatest wish."

"She pushed me away... She did not want me to be a part of their life." Katya said through soft tears.

"Things are different now, and do not forget that she initially wanted you to know. She wanted you all to be together." Mrs. Zamolodchikova reminded her.

"Still, I cannot..."

"Of course you can. You just need to listen to your heart and express what is in it. This is your child, Katya, as much it is hers." Her mother insisted.

"But I failed them both already..."

"So don't fail them this time. You have the chance to make it right now, you have the chance to show Trixie how much you truly loved her. Do not push this child away. Take this chance, and make the most out of it. Don't run away again simply because you are scared to open your heart once more." Her mother told her. "Let her know who her mother was, what she was like, why you loved her. Show her how wonderful Trixie was."