Endless War

VII

"I thought I had seen everything. Apparently I haven't seen a weapon that's as accurate as a bow, as powerful as a cannon, and faster than my husband can get me undressed." 

-John "Soap" MacTavish on Sheikah Exosuits

Hyrule Castle, 07:15:45

Link looked carefully at the bow Zelda was examining. It was a simple bow, and yet it radiated such extreme power. He quickly looked away when Zelda briefly looked up.

While Zelda had been... doing whatever she had been doing, the two soldiers he remembered from two years ago had been the first to outfit themselves in the ancient, yet shining armor.

"Johnny," the masked man had said as they walked to the experimental armory, "you go first. That way if you die, I inherit all your rupees."

"Ah, so you did marry me only for the money," Soap - Link still couldn't understand that name - said as he put a hand to his chest. Shaking his head, he said, "I thought you were better than this old man."

"Old man? Old man! I'm certainly no old man! You're the reason why we have so much olive oil stocked in our bedroom. I know you've seen the size of my -"

"Hey, shut up!" the very young guy - right, Turner - hissed while glancing at Link. "We got kids here! He doesn't know this stuff!" Another nervous glance.

Link was offended. Fifteen years old, and they assumed that he hadn't been through sex ed! He was about to open his mouth to utter some, I'm afraid, rather untrue and boastful words when they heard a scream.

Quick as a whip, all seven soldiers started running toward the sound, cocking their fists or drawing hidden weapons. In an astounding 3.39 seconds, they reached the door to the room where the noise was issuing from, with Reznov using his brute strength to knock down the wooden door.

They were not prepared for what was behind that door.

Whereas they had expected an assassin to be advancing on a helpless civilian, instead they found the two most eccentric citizens of the kingdom: Robbie and Purah. But it wasn't the mere sight of them that made them gasp and sputter.

It was the fact that Robbie had fallen from his shoddy ladder and landed his poor face right into Purah's, completely pinning her to the ground. Hence the scream.

And cue the mayhem.

"Oh by the Seven Sages what are you doing?!"

"Stop."

"Mmm, getting a little dirty on the job, aren't we?"

"You couldn't resist, could you, Robbie?" (Snickers)

"It's not what it looks like!"

"It was an accident, I swear."

"Who's at fault here?"

"Sweet Hylia, Soap, stop being so damn horny!"

"I have to agree with Mason on this one."

"Hey, make sure Link doesn't see anything!"

"Hold still, don't look, you'll be scarred for life!"

"Stop!"

"Let go of me! Please!"

"We're wasting time here...."

"ALL OF YOU ARE SO IMMATURE!"

And just like that, these fearsome soldiers lapsed into silence, staring in trembling wonder at the very short girl who couldn't possibly be their age.