Letters

Chapter 9

I was completely disgusted with myself. My stomach had tied into a knot. I slowly sat down on the floor, softly crying. I felt gross. I wanted to start punching everything, myself. I wanted to break the mirror in the bathroom, cut my veins, bleed out. Just not suffer this pain, this... Whatever the fuck this was. I did not want to keep pretending to be someone who I wasn't, but at the same time... I had to.

I had to.

I was not gonna be the child who my parent's friends look at and go: "I always knew she was a lesbian. I had a feeling about her when she was younger. I knew she was gonna turn out like this. She's going to hell. I wonder who her lover is. She's too beautiful to be a lesbian. Always knew she was a dyke."

I will not live with that!

To hell with it!

I'd rather be untruthful to myself than that!

When I was younger I thought being like that was wrong, I still do a little, mostly about myself. I'm not like Frida... I cannot accept being like that!

"I'm not like Frida." I kept repeating to myself and I put my head on my knees. I couldn't be like her, it felt wrong. She can do whatever she wants, she's an adult, she can sleep with any woman she wants... But I can't. I'm not like her. I don't want to be like her.

I was grossed out at myself. What would my parents think?! My parents wouldn't contact me every again...

"Oh god! I hate myself! I hate myself!" I hit my head, as if that was going to do anything. As if that would make my feelings fall out of my head... But then I'd have to hit my chest, because my feelings for Frida, are deep in my heart.

Thinking like that made me want to throw up. I don't want to have her in my heart or mind! I don't! I don't!

"I'm... Not like her, like any of them..." I whispered with a trembling voice. Knowing those words aren't true.

Oh, and that kiss! As soon as I remember I got up, grabbing my toothbrush. I put some toothpaste on it and started brushing my teeth. I scrubbed the fuck out of them. By the time I was done my gums were bleeding.

And I still felt... I don't know what I felt.

I just know I wasn't happy.

I'll never be happy... I'll never be the same after... After she had her hands on me, her lips. I'll never be the same knowing that she did all that and I...

I wanted to do it more. I wished I got more of that.

And the only comforting thing I could think of right now, to help me, was Frida... Frida and her hugs...

But no. No. No. No. No. NO!

That's wrong. It's wrong for me. I will marry Björn and be with Björn until I die. I don't care if I don't like him. He's a man, I'm a woman, and we will be together. As one. As husband and wife. And Frida will just have to go fuck someone else! Because I'm going to marry a man like I'm supposed to do! And I won't get disowned by my parents!

I need to ask Björn to move in with me. I'll propose him on the spot just to make myself forget about Frida!

I stood at the sink, holding onto the edges of the counter. Glancing at the scissors in the corner of my eye.

I picked them up.

"Well, fuck." I laughed and cut a chunk of my hair off, just a few centimeters under my ear.

The hair strands fell into the sink.

I cut the other side.

More hair in the sink.