Letters

Chapter 10

I sat down at my desk and took a notebook out of one of the drawers, and a pen.

I started writing,

So, six months have now gone by. I've now completely forgotten her voice, and I'm happy.

I put down the pen as I turned back some pages.

One month is gone, I still can feel her hands wrapped around me that morning...

...

Two months have passed, I still remember everything about her... It hurts. I remember how she smells, hugs, looks at me

...

Three months have gone, since I last saw her. I think she may have moved. It feels weird that I haven't ran into her.

...

Four months have passed, I'm starting to forget her scent. I want to go to the store and find her perfume, but I know that would hurt me.

...

Five months have gone by... I barely remember her voice, I don't remember how she used to hug... I can't feel her arms wrapped around me anymore... I simply can't. That makes me both sad and happy, more happy than sad, it feels like a weight has been removed from my shoulders.

...

I shut the notebook. I knew that further back, I had described her voice, scent, touch... It was tempting to go back and read it, but that would only hurt me. I can't imagine anything about her now, only what I've made up in my head. I don't know the sound of her, the smell of her. I didn't want to know it. Ever since we had stopped contacting I was happier.

Björn had asked me several times where she was, and why I wasn't meeting up with her anymore. I never answered, never told him the truth. I just said something like: "Oh, she's just very busy." or just ignored his question altogether. He suspected something's wrong, he knew I was lying, but he didn't mention it, it eased my heart.

Yesterday, as I sat by the window, drinking tea, I remembered about the box in my closet. I wanted to throw it out. I should throw it out. I had already gotten up to go and get it, put it in the trash, but Björn came. I didn't want him to ask what's in it, even if he would've, I wouldn't answer, but that would just bring suspicion to him.

We had become much closer. I was pretty sure I loved him, but not as much as... No, I can't say that.

I promised myself not to think of her name, I only refer to her as her. Never her name, even when Björn asks about her, its she... Not her name. Never her name. Whenever he mentions her name, I feel an unsettling feeling deep down in my stomach. It makes me shiver.

I put the notebook in the drawer, along with the pen. I for a moment looked at it, I knew I could remember anything I want about her, but, no I shouldn't...

I looked at the watch on my wrist, I had to start getting ready. It was my mom's birthday today, so I was going to Jönköping. I hoped to leave by eight, or half past eight. I promised my dad I'd help him set up for the party. Apparently a lot of people were coming. Dad said he felt bad that I don't know any of the people who will be at the party, so he had invited someone for me to talk to. I didn't know who, I didn't ask. It wasn't Mona, because that obvious that she would be invited, and turns out she suddenly had to leave to go see her husband's parents, one of them was very ill.