Letters

Chapter 16

I got medicine for the nausea from the front desk and Frida took me home.

"What is it that you said we'd talk about at home?" Frida asked, closing the door behind her.

"It's more of a sitting down subject." I said and we walked to the living room. She sat down and I after her.

"So..." I started, I didn't know what to say, how to explain it, myself, "I'm pregnant."

"And you're only finding out now?" She furrowed her eyebrows, "You've been broken up with Björn for four months now."

"Not exactly..." I said, I could feel myself tearing up. I was so sad I had hurt her.

"You didn't break up with him?! And you continued to sleep with him?!" Frida yelled out of frustration.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt him, and the longer I waited the more afraid I was of hurting both of you, and now he and Benny are good friends... If I break up with him now, he'll tell Benny. And I can't just break up with him not telling why!" I explained.

"You don't have to tell the truth."

"But I do. I've been lying for six months now, to both of you."

"But why did you sleep with him?"

"I... I don't know."

Frida didn't say anything anymore. She looked at me with disbelief. I tried to hold back my tears, but it was hard, knowing I've hurt the person I love the most in this world.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"I need to leave."

"Wait!" I grabbed for her hand, but didn't catch it. I heard the door close and she was gone. I shouldn't have told her. I felt so stupid.

A few minutes later, Björn showed up. I was anxious that Frida had called him. But no, he greeted me, kissed me and started making coffee.

Should I tell him? What will he say? No, he'll leave me. But is that so bad? I don't know. Do I need to tell him?

I kept thinking over and over.

"You seem very quiet, is everything okay?" he asked and looked at me. It felt like he was staring into my soul, like he could see through me.

"I'm pregnant." I said, it just slipped out of me. I didn't even intend to say it. I didn't want to. A dead silence came over the room.

"That's amazing!" He smiled and came closer, giving me a hug.

Fuck.

"The- There's something else." I said, knowing I had to break up with him. I needed to do it as quick as possible and go and fix things with Frida. But would she even listen to me? I didn't want to be alone again.

"What? Is it not mine?" Björn asked with a quite distressed look.

"No- No, it's yours."

"Then what's the problem?" He looked at me very confused. And I understood his confusion.

"You may want to sit down..." I said and we both sat down at the table. I was on the verge of tears. I really did think he was an amazing guy, he didn't deserve what I had done. No one did.

"So, uh," I cleared my throat, "You know Frida?..."

"Yes... What about Frida?" He looked at me, there was something weird about his expression, almost as if he knew what I was gonna say.

"I may have been uh," I looked down at the table, I couldn't look at him, I was so ashamed of myself, "I... I may have been sleeping with her. Well, I mean, uh, not really. But we were together, as a couple. I just, we- Yes..."

"I know," he looked at me coldly, "Benny does too."

"What? How?"

"I was here last night, I came here, I wanted to spend time with you. But when I walked in, I heard, you know what, and I saw Frida's coat hung. And I heard her voice."

"But, how does Benny know?"

"Oh, I told him."

"But, now that you've told me. I think we can get past this. I really do like you, and you're carrying my child."

"No, I don't want to be with you. I want to be with her, I love her."

"Tough luck. I talked to Benny, he said they're leaving and going back to London. He said he knows Frida wouldn't leave him for you, she's too afraid of what people would say, and her children like Benny."

"N-no..."  I stuttered, I was scared.

"Y-yes." He imitated my stuttering and got up.

I felt broken, I needed to talk to Frida, yet I couldn't move an inch. I heard the door close. All I ever heard apparently were doors closing, people leaving. All of the control I had had slipped away, Björn had left. Frida was going to leave. Everything and everyone was slipping away.

I sat there for about an hour, I stared at the wall blankly. I didn't notice the time passing. I slowly got up, my mind was completely empty.

Once again all I could think about was just dying. Simply passing away. Suddenly I felt an intense wave of rage come over my body, I grabbed the vase on the table, ready to throw it at the wall. But before I could do it I crushed it with my hand. I didn't even feel the pain of the porcelain cutting and digging into my skin. I kicked the chair.

Then the anger was gone and all that was left was sadness. My hand started hurting, and my heart too. I wished Frida was here, I needed her. The times when I need people the most, they're not here.

I walked over to the sink and started picking out the little pieces of porcelain from my bruise. I ran it under some water, the stinging got worse and worse with each second.

Someone knocked on the door. Now I was scared, what if it was a neighbour, what would they think?

I opened the door unsurely, leaving blood on the door handle.

"Frida?" I looked at her very surprised. What was she doing here?

She didn't say anything, she kissed me and hugged me tightly. I didn't hug her back, I didn't want to get her clothes dirty.

"I'm sorry for walking out on you. I shouldn't have." Frida looked at me, holding my shoulders.

"I- It's okay." I said, I was still in shock.

"Come, let's make some coffee, I need to talk to you about something important, but first." She said and turned around, wanting to close the door, "What's that?" she looked at the handle, then at me, then at the kitchen, noticing the broken vase, drops of blood on the floor and table.

"What happened?"

"I crushed a vase." I said and she looked at my hand. Tears filled her eyes. She turned around, locked the door and walked me to the bathroom.

Frida cleaned up my wound and then helped me clean the kitchen.

"I know what you want to talk about." I said, picking up the pieces of the vase, "Björn told me, when I left him."

"Oh... I'm so sorry. I wish I could stay, but you know..."

"I do know." I looked at Frida and smiled.

I threw the pieces in the trash.

We after went to the bedroom and lied down on the bed. We didn't speak. We just held each other, sometimes glancing into one another's eyes.

This was our last time together. I didn't want to speak, I just wanted to feel her presence.

I wanted to remember how she smells like, the way I feel when she holds me.

I wanted to remember her.