Keep Trying, Sweetheart

24 - fuck.

Cora's POV:

Finals week. It's finals week. And I've been having panic attacks nonstop. It's like a ticking time bomb replaced my brain.

I'm at my kitchen table studying and trying to steady my breathing. But it's so hard. Because I'm so fucking stressed.

Jessica, Chloe, Leah, Maya, Charlie, Jake, and Adam come in simultaneously.

I bet they piled themselves into the eight-seater and got out like a fucking clown car.

"Hey, my love. What's wrong?" Jessie asks me.

"Nothing," I lie.

"Bullshit!" Leah says.

"I just said it was nothing!" I say, looking at them. I go upstairs.

It probably doesn't help that I haven't eaten all day and didn't get much sleep, either.

"Hey, my love?" Jessie says, coming in.

"Hey. Hey. It's okay," she says. She pulls me into her arms. I rest my head on her chest.

"I've- been having panic attacks all day, Jessie. As soon as one ends another starts! And I haven't eaten and I didn't get sleep and I'm so fucking tired and I just- I don't know what happened!"

"It's like- I was so happy at the beginning of the year. And then my uncle went into a coma. Leah got stabbed. My dad leaves my mom because I'm gay. I get shot and my uncle is still in a fucking coma!"

"Everything is shit! And no one notices! No one!"

"I notice," she whispers.

"We spend every minute together, Jessica!" I say.

"Who do you want to notice?" She asks softly.

"I don't know. Because I'm in therapy already. I'm seeing a dietician. There is nothing else that can be done. Besides one thing."

"No," she says.

"No, listen to me, Cora. Listen. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be just fine! Your uncle is gonna get better, and you're relationship with food is gonna get better. We can work on the rest! You and your therapist and.. your mom. We can work on that!"

"But you can't go. You can't go, baby, I need you. Okay? I know you don't care if I said Leah or Maya but me, Cora."

"And if you don't even care about me, something else. What is your goal? What's your finish line?"

"I don't have one," I whisper. "I have no purpose."

"Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Cora." She gets on her knees and hugs my waist. Tears fall on my face.

"No, I don't!" I collapse in her arms. She pulls me into her. I start to sob.

"Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Oh, my baby." Her voice breaks. I cling to her.

"Shh. Shh Shh. You're okay. You're just fine," she whispers.

"No, I'm not! I'm not okay, Jessie! I'm not okay I wanna die I'm not okay! Nothing in my life is going okay!"

"Nothing?" She whispers.

"No! Nothing!" I pull away. "I'm not a good girlfriend, Jessie!"

"I'm not a good mom or stepmom or- a good human!"

"Yes you are! Yes you are, baby! What makes you say that?" She asks, putting her hand on my face.

"I have mental illnesses Jessica my brain tells me shit all the time!"